I Will Never Do It, It’s Too Hard
One of the many things I love about the Women’s Business Club is the monthly speakers and this month did not fail.
Lynda Taverner from Raindancers joined us to talk about ‘Believe’. In front of each of us we had been given a card with statements that many of Lynda’s clients say. Things like:
“I will never do it, it’s too hard” or “Why can’t I do it as well as my friend” Continue reading I Will Never Do It, It’s Too Hard
How To Conquer The Time Monster?
One of the most common causes for overwhelm is the fear of not having enough time. It can create this massive monster in our mind and before we know it all we ever seem to say is “I don’t have time.”
Our thinking can become consumed with how little time we have rather than with productive and effective thinking about how we can maximise the time we have.
Time in my experience is not the problem and it is more our perception of time in relation to our desired outcomes that is the culprit.
When we lack clarity of what we want, why we want it, what works for us and how long it will take we often get consumed with indecision and procrastination quickly follows. That can often mean we don’t have any sense of progress because it feels like nothing has been achieved and so the spiral of the time monster continues. Continue reading How To Conquer The Time Monster?
A Year To Love My Body
One of the 7 steps to clarity is T – Trust.
Trust your own process and take your own advice
Since writing my book I have been forced, to be so much more aware of my own process and the advice I give others. I now proactively stop and listen to my own wisdom with the aim to take that advice myself.
Instead of projecting my wisdom on others with words and instructions, I aim to embed it, embrace it and be it.
In this weeks Motivational Monday I talk about my reflections on a question that took me 6 years to answer: Continue reading A Year To Love My Body
How To Make Your Dreams A Reality?
Today I want to share my process to make things happen.
Over the years I have been known for my motivation and my ability to inspire change in others.
So what does it take to make something happen? Below is my process and the video to one of my recent Live Training sessions in the Manage Your Critic Group which has been getting some great reviews.
Why Goal Setting Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?
It is purely focused on the future and what you want but doesn’t remind your critic of what you have or what has worked in the past.
Resulting in many people setting goals feeling like they are starting from scratch when so often they are so much nearer to their goal than they realise.
They also neglect to remember things that have worked for them before so that don’t maximise existing skills, resources or strategies they already have.
This can result in fear and overwhelm rather than motivation or excitement when considering your goals.
This is okay if you are a bit of an adrenaline junky, but generally not so good for your nervous system or sense of well being and your critic can have a lot to say about it. Whether that is your own inner critic with words of self doubt or your peers who infer it is not possible. Continue reading Why Goal Setting Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?
This Made Me Cry
I received an email from a client a few days ago saying they were not going to be doing Clarity and Confidence Retreats with me next year (aka power groups)
Then I got this email today.
“Sheryl, I know I said I was going to stop power groups but I’ve changed my mind, I’d like to carry on as they are brilliant and a really warm supportive welcoming space with fantastic people. I might not do all of them but at least one a quarter. I’ll have a look at the calendar and will let you know which ones are my top choice.
Many thanks for your love and support and true genius of getting us to achieve all that we want and reducing doubts.”
Why does this make me cry?
The tears are what happen now when I receive love. My heart and mind are so open that I actually hear and feel the words of kindness in this email. I remember saying as a “I ‘know’ my parents love me but I don’t feel loved.”
It is only through the Clarity process that I discovered when someone said they felt loved I imagined a physical sensation or sense of someone touching must happen. And that certainly wasn’t happening for me. Then I told myself lots of stories about what I thought love was and looked for evidence of that and couldn’t find that either.
I would check in with myself and I would think “I don’t feel anything”
Then I noticed one day that I would say ” I feel really hurt by that.”
When I became curious about what I meant when I said “I feel really hurt” I discovered it was like I had been kicked in the stomach with a massive size 10 steel toe cap black boot and I was really winded. I mean it actually took my breath away even though it was just words and there was no physical contact from the other person.
I physically felt this whoosh of emotion that came at the stomach and then went up and over my whole body.
This would happen when I thought I had upset someone or when I felt misunderstood.
This got me thinking – if I can feel it when it hurts how come I don’t feel love or joy.
At first in my frustration of not being able to make sense of everything I blamed others of not loving me, not showing me love and yet when I really thought about what love was to me, I found it hard to describe.
What do you hear and see that would tell you that you are loved?
I asked my husband and he said “I don’t look for anything I assume it is there”
That threw me a little as I really wanted to ‘feel’ something.
Strategies work until they don’t
Over the years I developed strategies to avoid the hurt of being criticised.
I started to pay more attention and I soon noticed a pattern
What I discovered is that it hurt most when the criticism was unexpected.
Therefore one strategy was to put myself down and criticise myself – that way it wasn’t such a shock when other people criticised me, however what I didn’t know then, but do now, is that when people didn’t correct me it also hurt.
Add into this mix, that I was born to a generation that thought talking about your strengths and your successes was bragging or big headed, I didn’t really have much awareness of when I was doing anything right.
How I learn at my best is to see it, hear it and then experience it. And I certainly did not get to see compliments, hear them and then experience them.
Plus I then developed this amazing strategy to attempt to block out criticism which also meant that I blocked out any praise that came my way too.
Sick of criticism
If you are sick of criticism and you want to live your best life and you are determined to reduce criticism of yourself and others then please do comment below “I am in” and let’s arrange a time to chat in Jan 2018 and make sure next year really is your best year ever.
I am about to close the office for a month from 9th Dec to 8th Jan and open my home and heart fully to my family whilst giving myself time to truly embrace all that is great in my life now that I am 50.
You matter, you make a difference and I care that you feel heard, understood and of value at all times.
I care that you feel safe to speak and that you don’t get trapped in that space where you have to be positive and happy to motivate and inspire others, which can leave you with no space to express yourself fully. Actually talking about what criticism was like for me gave me the clues I needed to break a pattern of behavior that was no longer serving me.
And if you keep adapting yourself to please others you can slowly but surely lose sight of who you are and what life is all about.
If you are asking yourself questions like:
Who am I ?
What’s the point?
When is it my turn?
Who is taking care of me?
What if I say how I really feel and they think less of me?
What if they judge me and I lose their love and connection?
What if ? What if?
And you are sick of that voice in your head and ready for absolute clarity and confidence to ask for what you want, then please comment below.
Also check out our 2018 retreats here.
Please share below your thoughts as google likes to know you like me or join us for more private conversation in our closed Facebook group Manage your critic
If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will be happy set you up for success.
I might be part of the solution you need and I might not, but you will you know your next best step.
Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.
That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.
Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.
Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media
Honesty Is A Lie
51 days until I am 50
Yes I ate cake yesterday. No I don’t feel bad. No I didn’t lose weight today. What you probably don’t want to know even though it is the truth is the ins and outs of my decision making process yesterday and why I don’t feel guilty or why I know I will lose weight this week. Or maybe you do?
On a whole other level of honesty, you probably don’t want to know but I am going to tell you anyway. One of the reasons I think I didn’t lose weight today is because I got weighed earlier due to commitments today so it was before my ‘normal morning bathroom routine’ Yes I know too much information for some – but fact and quite relevant I think too.
How Honest Do You Want Me To Be? Continue reading Honesty Is A Lie
No One Should be Too Scared To Ask For Help…
This years charity campaign ends 2nd Dec 2017 on the anniversary of the launch of my book “Manage Your Critic”. I really didn’t like admitting that I had, in someway failed and yet when I did reach out and ask for help – the magic started to happen.
What Happens In Spain Stays In Spain..I Don’t Think So!!
Each lady talked, and everyone listened intently and then something happened. It is hard to describe but there was that moment when everyone seemed to consciously aware of what had been achieved. 4 books with the wisdom of these 4 woman had been developed and shared and in doing so a connection hard to describe had been made. What followed was moments of true joy represented with both tears and hysterical laughter. Continue reading What Happens In Spain Stays In Spain..I Don’t Think So!!
How to Take The Drama Out Of Your Communications?
- Recognise when you are in the drama triangle
- Reassure you that you are not alone
- Resource you to get out of it.
What is a Drama?
Drama is when you spend more time talking about someone rather than talking to them. Drama is when your insides feel permanently in a knot or your head is clouded and unable to communicate what you truly want. Drama is whenever you do speak it is misunderstood, misinterpreted and it causes conflict. Of Course their are many other examples but hopefully you get the idea.
The Drama Triangle
The drama triangle is a psychological and social model of human interaction in transactional analysis (TA) first described by Stephen Karpman, in his 1968 article “Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis”. Below is an explanation from Caitlin Walker and Sarah Nixon’s one year self coaching diaries and if you want to find out more I highly recommend the book From Contempt to Curiosity
The Ego States
You may blame or PERSECUTE someone else, from this position you are likely to believe it is the other person that has to change. You are likely to look for evidence to prove your point. You are likely to ignore any evidence that contradicts your point. You may be shouting and clearly angry. You may be calm or even smiling. You will be pointing out that someone else is in the wrong. You will be unlikely to be taking any personal responsibility for change.
This is when you believe and we do truly believe in the moment our happiness or success or the lack of it is someone else’s fault. You will hear things like:
- If they just did ……….everything would be okay
- If they were motivated we would all be happy then…
- If they were not so idle, rude disrespectful then…
A different ‘Drama’ role is that of VICTIM, from this position you are likely to believe you are powerless. You are likely to look for evidence to prove your point and again, you are likely to ignore any evidence that contradicts your point. You may be shouting and clearly angry. You may be calm or even smiling. You will be pointing out that someone else is in the wrong. You will be unlikely to be taking any personal responsibility for change.
You might hear:
- Is it just me that can think for myself
- It seems like it is only me they can’t get on with
- I have worked so hard and given so much how come they don’t appreciate it
Another and often deceptive ‘Drama’ role is that of RESCUER, from this position you are likely to believe you are helping everyone else. You are likely to look for evidence that you have to keep doing what you are doing.
You are likely to ignore any evidence that you are maintaining a problem. You are likely to train other people to behave like victims or to dis-empower them. You are likely to pacify persecutors and build up latent anger towards them. You are likely to burn out as what you do is unsustainable.
You might hear:
- If they are not going to do it well enough I will have to do it myself
- I have to do that or they will feel left out
- Can I suggest you do…
Do you recognise yourself yet? Do you recognise someone you know?
I promise you, you are not alone and if you can spot someone else in the drama triangle then it is very likely that you are there with them too. Perhaps as persecutor because you think they have to change not you??(Just a thought)
Many businesses are stuck in drama right now. Many personal relationships fall apart because they end up in drama and of course everyone is someone else’s difficult person.
First Step, is to recognise when you are communicating with others from one of those ego states. You can share this with a trusted friend and ask them to notice if they think you are communicating from drama. You can also observe your own language and be mindful of your intention.
You can practice here by reading these statements and determining where in the drama triangle you think the person is:
- If you they were a good employee they would make time for follow up
- They just want to be paid for nothing
- They want their cake and eat it
- They don’t appreciate me
- They don’t have the same pressures as I do
- I have to come up with all the solutions and ideas, no one else ever contributes
- I have to do it because they won’t get round to it
- I have to do it because they will get stressed otherwise
- I have to do it because they are not skilled enough yet
Can you recognise Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer now?
How to get out of drama?
- Get really clear what you would like to have happen. Ensure your language is solution focused. It is what you want not what you don’t want
- Have confidence in asking for what you want and need
- Develop compassion and understanding for the difference between what is said and what is heard and give evidence based feedback
If you want to know more about ‘how’ to get out drama check my video: “How to do, delegate or ditch with confidence?” where I share 3 communication tools that can help you take the drama out of your communications.
About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective
Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening is well known for her fast speaking and highly motivational passion. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to challenging conversations, lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough. Sheryl use to find it difficult to speak up and have her needs met despite the fact she could and would encourage everyone else to do exactly that. A series of 3 events in her personal life forced her to stop and learn how to take her own advice.
Today Sheryl runs retreats and one to one sessions resourcing you to do more of what you love, delegate or learn how to do what you don’t and ditch the critic that says you can’t. Sharing a communication tool kit and collaboration tool kit that will transform the way you think, feel and understand those around you. Sheryl and her team will be your strength and solution detective whilst you train your inner critic and those that around you to listen in a way that motivates and inspires you.
Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648