I Feel Guilty When I Work and I Feel Guilty When I Don’t

It has been really interesting supporting a mixture of business writers and fiction writers this year on our Spanish writing retreat.

It was such a privilege to listen to their stories and I am so looking forward to sharing their work with you. As the fiction writers shared over dinner their process for building up and getting to know their characters I became aware that writing a book that builds your business forces you to really get into the head of your potential reader. It seemed they were following a similar process to the one we use when supporting our clients to develop an understanding of their client avatar.

We also had many laughs and chuckles at the different meanings of many writing terminology such as final draft and first draft. Apparently first draft is usually the 100th draft but it is the first one you share with others.

The clients were instantly blown away by the space and said things like it feels like heaven and like I have come home. They were keen to make the most of the space and time and wanted to be productive. As we listened, we unravelled they were torn between writing and retreating. As we explored this more this was a pattern that showed up at home too. One said they felt guilty when they worked and they felt guilty when they didn’t?

Can you take guilt free time off?

Do you feel you deserve time off?

Do you worry if you stop you won’t be able to get started again?

This time last year I was attending the writing retreat in Spain as a client and I got myself into such a pickle. I had ‘sold’ the idea to Mark, my husband that I needed space and time to write. Then I discovered what I really wanted was a few days on a sunbed not feeling responsible for anyone but myself. My critic was really throwing a hissy fit. Because I was saying one thing and doing another it had no idea how to support me. When I was writing I was wanting to rest, when I was resting I felt I should be writing.

I was so torn, then I became worried if I didn’t sort my head out the whole thing would have been a waste of time and money. I had booked the retreat because I had said for years I wanted to write a book and I was also tired and exasperated. I was sick of talking and not attracting enough of the right clients. I felt so frustrated with speaking and being misunderstood.

That resulted in me putting so much pressure on myself to make this time away count, that I almost missed the whole point of a ‘retreat’!!! As a supporter I am constantly carrying the needs of others in my head and having a space where I only have to think about me is quite rare.

Writing a book that builds your business forced me to gain clarity of my own process, to make it teachable in a book without any feedback or personal engagement and as a direct result my confidence in my knowledge has grown and I know my purpose on this planet.

But the retreat gave me space and time to really listen to my own needs and to ensure that I was able to take care of myself and ask for the things I needed to work and live at my best with others. It had such a massive impact on me that I wanted to get involved and support Karen to attract more clients and ended up here this year working.

The private apartments mean our clients share apartments but have their own rooms. Providing a great balance between alone time and connection. The space around the property provides lots of nooks and crannies where you can hide away and be with your own thoughts. And the blend of group discussions, coaching, mentoring, guided walks and dips in the pool means that you can learn to tune into and hear, see and feel your own natural rhythm.

You are given permission to do what is right for you and for some that can be difficult after being so focused on supporting others.

I really loved helping clients this year to manage their critic, freeing them of overwhelm and inspiring them to gain clarity and confidence in their stories and processes. Karen provides practical support with answers to strategy and structure for their books and the marketing. Being in this loving space again this year has made me realise just how much I have grown since last year.

Writing my book and giving myself permission to stop and reflect was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have been able to create new programmes, package differently and value my time and knowledge better which means I now earn more in less time doing more of what I love.

The clients have now left so I am having my own retreat with a couple of days to myself before our husbands join us for a few days in the sun.

I would encourage anyone that spends their life listening to others and supporting others to give yourself permission to go on a retreat. For those that love to write or wish they could write a book then I highly recommend the writers retreat. We are taking bookings already for next year.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her speaking fast and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.

Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.

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Why You Should Never Start Feedback With “Don’t Take This Personally?”

When you are building relationships and growing a business change is the one thing that is constant and learning to communicate with clarity and confidence when you are frustrated or annoyed is important.

One sure thing that will set you up to fail is starting with the sentence – “Don’t take this personally.” The brain doesn’t hear the don’t.

It hears “take this personally” and if you are going to give feedback then let’s face it – to some extent it is personal. For years I knew I had to be less sensitive to criticism but it is only recently that I have learned to manage my critic and discovered how you to actually receive criticism without taking it personally. So I decided to write a book which will be launched in Dec 2016.

If your intention is to communicate in a way that it is not taken personally then here are some strategies you can follow.

Clarity – have absolute clarity of the outcome you do want. If you don’t want them to take it personally then what do you want instead. Maybe you want to express how you feel about something without upsetting them. Maybe you want to tell them they have done something that is wrong or that has not worked for you and you want to find a solution. But your attention really needs to be on what do you want them to do or say as a result of your communication. What do you want to change?
Confidence – then consider how do you need to be to communicate with clarity and confidence your message. Often when we have a mixture of emotions our tone, pace and overal attitude can impact how our communications are received. Communicating when you are angry or frustrated invariably results in the other person simply reflecting back the same kind of behaviour or withdrawing in which case nothing is achieved. If you are interested in more information about this you might find this useful; “How to take the drama out of your communication?”
Change – think about what support or resources you or they might need for change to happen.

I love the clean feedback models referred to in the book “From Contempt to Curiosity – creating the conditions for groups to collaborate”

This model helps you break down and separate the facts from the emotions.

For example if you feel someone is taking advantage of your good nature. You might say don’t take this personally but I feel you are taking advantage of my good nature.

Where as what is more useful and resourceful and less likely to be taken personally (although not guaranteed) would be;

When I work for you and you don’t pay me or say thank you, I infer that you don’t value what I do. The impact is that I feel that you are taking advantage of my good nature and I resent working and what I would like to have happen is to work with and feel valued.

The Clean Feedback framework used to acquire this were:

What I hear and see is ………..

What I infer from that is ………………….

The impact on me is ……………………….

What I would like to have happen is…………………..

By using this model you can manage your critic and communicate with clarity and confidence the change you want.

If you found this article useful let me know in the comments below. Any questions please feel free to ask and if you have any examples of when this worked that would be great to hear too.

Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Manage Your Critic – Clarity confidence and change.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for fast speaking and passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned to manage her critic and communicate with clarity and confidence the change she wanted. Sheryl runs programmes that create space for you to gain clarity of what you want and the confidence to ask for it and all the tools and resources you will need to make it happen. From planning to delegation and everything in between.

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happily set you up for success. Or find out more about how to manage your critic in 21 days with our on line library and webinars that explain why the critic occurs and practical ways to manage it.