Destination Addiction – Where Is Your Attention?
The Clarity Process
In my book Manage Your Critic – From Overwhelm to clarity in 7 steps I talk about C for curiosity and L for language. I attended the Southampton Positive Living Group last week to listen to Robert Holden.
As I listened to Robert Holden he talked about how we can become addicted to the destination and our language is about the future saying things like:
- ‘I am getting there’
- ‘When I have ….then I will…’
- ‘One day I will ……’
- ‘When I retire, then I will…’
It got me thinking about my goals this month which is to love and respect my body more. In the past with any weight loss journey I was focused on the destination. Continue reading Destination Addiction – Where Is Your Attention?
A Year To Love My Body
One of the 7 steps to clarity is T – Trust.
Trust your own process and take your own advice
Since writing my book I have been forced, to be so much more aware of my own process and the advice I give others. I now proactively stop and listen to my own wisdom with the aim to take that advice myself.
Instead of projecting my wisdom on others with words and instructions, I aim to embed it, embrace it and be it.
In this weeks Motivational Monday I talk about my reflections on a question that took me 6 years to answer: Continue reading A Year To Love My Body
Why Goal Setting Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?
It is purely focused on the future and what you want but doesn’t remind your critic of what you have or what has worked in the past.
Resulting in many people setting goals feeling like they are starting from scratch when so often they are so much nearer to their goal than they realise.
They also neglect to remember things that have worked for them before so that don’t maximise existing skills, resources or strategies they already have.
This can result in fear and overwhelm rather than motivation or excitement when considering your goals.
This is okay if you are a bit of an adrenaline junky, but generally not so good for your nervous system or sense of well being and your critic can have a lot to say about it. Whether that is your own inner critic with words of self doubt or your peers who infer it is not possible. Continue reading Why Goal Setting Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?
Why Is Christmas A Trigger?
Christmas is always intended to be a time for joy, laughter and connection and yet for many it can be a time of triggers and frustrations.
So why is Christmas a trigger?
For those that know my line of work – you know that I work with you to gain clarity of what you want and the confidence to ask for it.
Your 5 senses are processing information all of the time and it is your 5 senses that are used to recall memories.
And sometimes memories are triggered involuntary because of the association with certain smells, tastes or touch. It could be the sound or tone of something or someone that triggers a thought. You might be aware that certain words or epxressions push your buttons and annoy or frustrate you and for some the response is one that cannot be explained with words. You know those moments when you respond emotionally and even you know that the response is not rationally. Continue reading Why Is Christmas A Trigger?
This Made Me Cry
I received an email from a client a few days ago saying they were not going to be doing Clarity and Confidence Retreats with me next year (aka power groups)
Then I got this email today.
“Sheryl, I know I said I was going to stop power groups but I’ve changed my mind, I’d like to carry on as they are brilliant and a really warm supportive welcoming space with fantastic people. I might not do all of them but at least one a quarter. I’ll have a look at the calendar and will let you know which ones are my top choice.
Many thanks for your love and support and true genius of getting us to achieve all that we want and reducing doubts.”
Why does this make me cry?
The tears are what happen now when I receive love. My heart and mind are so open that I actually hear and feel the words of kindness in this email. I remember saying as a “I ‘know’ my parents love me but I don’t feel loved.”
It is only through the Clarity process that I discovered when someone said they felt loved I imagined a physical sensation or sense of someone touching must happen. And that certainly wasn’t happening for me. Then I told myself lots of stories about what I thought love was and looked for evidence of that and couldn’t find that either.
I would check in with myself and I would think “I don’t feel anything”
Then I noticed one day that I would say ” I feel really hurt by that.”
When I became curious about what I meant when I said “I feel really hurt” I discovered it was like I had been kicked in the stomach with a massive size 10 steel toe cap black boot and I was really winded. I mean it actually took my breath away even though it was just words and there was no physical contact from the other person.
I physically felt this whoosh of emotion that came at the stomach and then went up and over my whole body.
This would happen when I thought I had upset someone or when I felt misunderstood.
This got me thinking – if I can feel it when it hurts how come I don’t feel love or joy.
At first in my frustration of not being able to make sense of everything I blamed others of not loving me, not showing me love and yet when I really thought about what love was to me, I found it hard to describe.
What do you hear and see that would tell you that you are loved?
I asked my husband and he said “I don’t look for anything I assume it is there”
That threw me a little as I really wanted to ‘feel’ something.
Strategies work until they don’t
Over the years I developed strategies to avoid the hurt of being criticised.
I started to pay more attention and I soon noticed a pattern
What I discovered is that it hurt most when the criticism was unexpected.
Therefore one strategy was to put myself down and criticise myself – that way it wasn’t such a shock when other people criticised me, however what I didn’t know then, but do now, is that when people didn’t correct me it also hurt.
Add into this mix, that I was born to a generation that thought talking about your strengths and your successes was bragging or big headed, I didn’t really have much awareness of when I was doing anything right.
How I learn at my best is to see it, hear it and then experience it. And I certainly did not get to see compliments, hear them and then experience them.
Plus I then developed this amazing strategy to attempt to block out criticism which also meant that I blocked out any praise that came my way too.
Sick of criticism
If you are sick of criticism and you want to live your best life and you are determined to reduce criticism of yourself and others then please do comment below “I am in” and let’s arrange a time to chat in Jan 2018 and make sure next year really is your best year ever.
I am about to close the office for a month from 9th Dec to 8th Jan and open my home and heart fully to my family whilst giving myself time to truly embrace all that is great in my life now that I am 50.
You matter, you make a difference and I care that you feel heard, understood and of value at all times.
I care that you feel safe to speak and that you don’t get trapped in that space where you have to be positive and happy to motivate and inspire others, which can leave you with no space to express yourself fully. Actually talking about what criticism was like for me gave me the clues I needed to break a pattern of behavior that was no longer serving me.
And if you keep adapting yourself to please others you can slowly but surely lose sight of who you are and what life is all about.
If you are asking yourself questions like:
Who am I ?
What’s the point?
When is it my turn?
Who is taking care of me?
What if I say how I really feel and they think less of me?
What if they judge me and I lose their love and connection?
What if ? What if?
And you are sick of that voice in your head and ready for absolute clarity and confidence to ask for what you want, then please comment below.
Also check out our 2018 retreats here.
Please share below your thoughts as google likes to know you like me or join us for more private conversation in our closed Facebook group Manage your critic
If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will be happy set you up for success.
I might be part of the solution you need and I might not, but you will you know your next best step.
Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.
That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.
Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.
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The Power of Pronouns
Working, learning and living with others is dependent on us having clarity of what want and the confidence to ask for it. And yet no matter how much you might practice what you are going to say or think before you speak somehow you can still be misunderstood.
When I am working with clients I notice language patterns and ask questions of specific words to help them gain clarity and insight. Sometimes they are not actually saying what they mean.
Standing Tall – An Introverts Perspective
Over the years I have worked with extroverts that talk fast and rapid and end up exhausted because no matter how many different ways they express themselves they still cannot get themselves heard and understood.
I have worked with introverts who get frustrated that by the time they have formulated an answer the conversation has moved on.
Whatever your natural way of processing and making sense of the world, it can be challenging to find your voice and speak with clarity and confidence all of the time. Continue reading Standing Tall – An Introverts Perspective
Reputation and Public Relations
50 days until I am 50 – Charity Challenge still on to lose 50 lbs before I am 50 on the 15th Dec 2017 – so far 17lbs lighter and now writing daily to stay accountable.
Yesterday was a busy day so didn’t really have time to over eat and failed to get any fitness in.
My proud of moment was when I said no to cake at the Women’s Business Club Lunch where Lorna Jackson from Advance and Get Noticed was speaking about everything PR. Continue reading Reputation and Public Relations
Honesty Is A Lie
51 days until I am 50
Yes I ate cake yesterday. No I don’t feel bad. No I didn’t lose weight today. What you probably don’t want to know even though it is the truth is the ins and outs of my decision making process yesterday and why I don’t feel guilty or why I know I will lose weight this week. Or maybe you do?
On a whole other level of honesty, you probably don’t want to know but I am going to tell you anyway. One of the reasons I think I didn’t lose weight today is because I got weighed earlier due to commitments today so it was before my ‘normal morning bathroom routine’ Yes I know too much information for some – but fact and quite relevant I think too.
How Honest Do You Want Me To Be? Continue reading Honesty Is A Lie
Do Numbers Motivate You Or Terrify You?
It is interesting as I listen to all kinds of stories of how different people respond to or react to a ‘BIG’ birthday.
Personally I am really looking forward to this next transition. As I become more curious about the power of the universe and how I can get what I ask for – I am being very clear I want to live to 100 and so that means at 50 I am only half way.
I am also marking this day as a day to step into the whole of me fully.
To fully embrace the whole of who I am and who I want to be. Continue reading Do Numbers Motivate You Or Terrify You?