How To Conquer The Time Monster?

One of the most common causes for overwhelm is the fear of not having enough time. It can create this massive monster in our mind and before we know it all we ever seem to say is “I don’t have time.”

Our thinking can become consumed with how little time we have rather than with productive and effective thinking about how we can maximise the time we have.

Time in my experience is not the problem and it is more our perception of time in relation to our desired outcomes that is the culprit.

When we lack clarity of what we want, why we want it, what works for us and how long it will take we often get consumed with indecision and procrastination quickly follows. That can often mean we don’t have any sense of progress because it feels like nothing has been achieved and so the spiral of the time monster continues. Continue reading How To Conquer The Time Monster?

Why Goal Setting Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?

The truth is that goal setting and thinking positively on it’s own won’t work because it only provides one of the 3 perspectives.

It is purely focused on the future and what you want but doesn’t remind your critic of what you have or what has worked in the past.

Resulting in many people setting goals feeling like they are starting from scratch when so often they are so much nearer to their goal than they realise.

They also neglect to remember things that have worked for them before so that don’t maximise existing skills, resources or strategies they already have.

This can result in fear and overwhelm rather than motivation or excitement when considering your goals.

This is okay if you are a bit of an adrenaline junky, but generally not so good for your nervous system or sense of well being and your critic can have a lot to say about it. Whether that is your own inner critic with words of self doubt or your peers who infer it is not possible.  Continue reading Why Goal Setting Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?

No One Should be Too Scared To Ask For Help…

It doesn’t matter whether you are a male or female – rich or poor it would seem we can all get a little uncomfortable when it comes to asking for help.

This years charity campaign ends 2nd Dec 2017 on the anniversary of the launch of my book “Manage Your Critic”. I really didn’t like admitting that I had, in someway failed and yet when I did reach out and ask for help – the magic started to happen.

Continue reading No One Should be Too Scared To Ask For Help…

What Happens In Spain Stays In Spain..I Don’t Think So!!

As we sat around the table near the pool on the final night of this years writing retreat the ladies shared what had happened for them during their stay with us.

Each lady talked, and everyone listened intently and then something happened. It is hard to describe but there was that moment when everyone seemed to consciously aware of what had been achieved. 4 books with the wisdom of these 4 woman had been developed and shared and in doing so a connection hard to describe had been made. What followed was moments of true joy represented with both tears and hysterical laughter. Continue reading What Happens In Spain Stays In Spain..I Don’t Think So!!

How to Take The Drama Out Of Your Communications?

My aim in this article is to help you:

  • Recognise when you are in the drama triangle
  • Reassure you that you are not alone
  • Resource you to get out of it.

 

What is a Drama? 

Drama is when you spend more time talking about someone rather than talking to them. Drama is when your insides feel permanently in a knot or your head is clouded and unable to communicate what you truly want. Drama is whenever you do speak it is misunderstood, misinterpreted and it causes conflict. Of Course their are many other examples but hopefully you get the idea.

 The Drama Triangle

The drama triangle is a psychological and social model of human interaction in transactional analysis (TA) first described by Stephen Karpman, in his 1968 article “Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis”.  Below is an explanation from Caitlin Walker and Sarah Nixon’s   one year self coaching diaries and if you want to find out more I highly recommend the book From Contempt to Curiosity

The Ego States

 

Persecutor

You may blame or PERSECUTE someone else, from this position you are likely to believe it is the other person that has to change. You are likely to look for evidence to prove your point. You are likely to ignore any evidence that contradicts your point. You may be shouting and clearly angry. You may be calm or even smiling. You will be pointing out that someone else is in the wrong. You will be unlikely to be taking any personal responsibility for change.

This is when you believe and we do truly believe in the moment our happiness or success or the lack of it is someone else’s fault. You will hear things like:

 

  • If they just did ……….everything would be okay
  • If they were motivated we would all be happy then…
  • If they were not so idle, rude disrespectful then…

 

 

Victim

A different ‘Drama’ role is that of VICTIM, from this position you are likely to believe you are powerless. You are likely to look for evidence to prove your point and again, you are likely to ignore any evidence that contradicts your point. You may be shouting and clearly angry. You may be calm or even smiling. You will be pointing out that someone else is in the wrong. You will be unlikely to be taking any personal responsibility for change.

You might hear:

 

  • Is it just me that can think for myself
  • It seems like it is only me they can’t get on with
  • I have worked so hard and given so much how come they don’t appreciate it

 

 

Rescuer

Another and often deceptive ‘Drama’ role is that of RESCUER, from this position you are likely to believe you are helping everyone else. You are  likely to look for evidence that you have to keep doing what you are doing.

You are  likely to ignore any evidence that you are maintaining a problem. You are likely to train other people to behave like victims or to dis-empower them. You are likely to pacify persecutors and build up latent anger towards them. You are likely to burn out as what you do is unsustainable.

You might hear:

 

  • If they are not going to do it well enough I will have to do it myself
  • I have to do that or they will feel left out
  • Can I suggest you do…

 

 

Do you recognise yourself yet? Do you recognise someone you know? 

I promise you,  you are not alone and if you can spot someone else in the drama triangle then it is very  likely that you are there with them too. Perhaps as persecutor because you think they have to change not you??(Just a thought)

Many businesses are stuck in drama right now. Many personal relationships fall apart because they end up in drama and of course  everyone is someone else’s difficult person. 

First Step, is to recognise when you are communicating with others from one of those ego states. You can share this with a trusted friend and ask them to notice if they think you are communicating from drama. You can also observe your own language and be mindful of your intention.

Activity

You can practice here by reading these statements and determining where in the drama triangle you think the person is:

 

  • If you they were a good employee they would make time for follow up
  • They just want to be paid for nothing
  • They want their cake and eat it

 

or

 

  • They don’t appreciate me
  • They don’t have the same pressures as I do
  • I have to come up with all the solutions and ideas, no one else ever contributes

 

or

 

  • I have to do it because they won’t get round to it
  • I have to do it because they will get stressed otherwise
  • I have to do it because they are not skilled enough yet

 

Can you recognise Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer now?

How to get out of drama?

 

  1. Get really clear what you would like to have happen. Ensure your language is solution focused. It is what you want not what you don’t want
  2. Have confidence in asking for what you want and need
  3. Develop compassion and understanding for the difference between what is said and what is heard and give evidence based feedback

If you want to know more about ‘how’ to get out drama check my video: “How to do, delegate or ditch with confidence?” where I share 3 communication tools that can help you take the drama out of your communications.

 

 About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening is well known for her fast speaking and highly motivational passion. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to challenging conversations, lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough. Sheryl use to find it difficult to speak up and have her needs met despite the fact she could and would encourage everyone else to do exactly that. A series of 3 events in her personal life forced her to stop and learn how to take her own advice.

Today Sheryl runs retreats and one to one sessions resourcing you to do more of what you love, delegate or learn how to do what you don’t and ditch the critic that says you can’t. Sharing a communication tool kit and collaboration tool kit that will transform the way you think, feel and understand those around you. Sheryl and her team will be your strength and solution detective whilst you train your inner critic and those that around you to listen in a way that motivates and inspires you.

Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648

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What Is Clean Language?

What is Clean Language?

Clean Language is a questioning technique designed by David Grove in the 1980’s, who gave it a way on a generosity framework. As a psychotherapist he recognised when looking at many transcribes that the way a question was constructed influenced the ability of any given patient to answer. The ability to answer then influenced the patient’s ability to develop solutions and understanding.

With this in mind David cleaned up the questions, stripping them of any leading and where ever possible reduced the assumption. Let me put this in context for you.

When I ask the question what do you need to do to grow your business?

This question is ‘loaded’ with the assumption you have to ‘do’ something where as you might need to be more confident or have more time. This also assumes you want to grow your business.

 

So a clean way of asking the above questions would be:

And when business what would you like to have happen?

Clean Language is a framework of questions and principles that focus your attention on:

  • What you would like to have happen rather than what you don’t want to have happen
  • Resources and strengths you have already that maybe useful to achieve that outcome
  • Patterns that will give you greater clarity and understanding of ‘how’ you work and learn

The affect of asking Clean Language questions with a clean intention is that you:

  • Reduce the assumptions
  • Increase understanding

Clean Language questions and intention are one of the most efficient ways to resource an individual to resource themselves.

The principles of the process assumes the individual to have all the resources they need to solve the problem.

As a Clean Language facilitator we are trained to ask questions we don’t know the answer to but we think there is a good chance the other person will. Questions that are following the logic of the client rather than that of the facilitator.

It is not like any normal conversation and is a unique space to share with another human being – honouring and respecting everything they say or do. Never giving an opinion, suggestion or feedback even when asked.

David talked about giving all information equal opportunity. Not seeing anything as good or bad, negative or positive just information.

 

David Grove went onto to develop an awareness that we often talk in metaphor approximately once every 6 words and that these metaphors could be ‘brought to life’ if developed.

When you ask Clean questions of a metaphor, as though the metaphor were real it can give the individual the opportunity to really understand complex matters that are often hard to articulate with words alone.

Have you ever found yourself saying, “I can’t find the words to describe it”

Metaphors can bridge the gap between language and hard to articulate subjects like your emotions.

Metaphors can make it easier to understand ourselves and therefore make it easier for us to make ourselves understood.

I originally trained in Clean Language because I wanted to excel as a coach. I wanted to be the best facilitator I could be, little did I know the impact that would have on both my business, my family and me personally.

I would like to thank Marian Way of  Clean Learning and author of Clean Approaches for Coaches for introducing me to this wonderful process.

Marian was trained by Penny Tompkins and James Lawley, psychotherapist themselves who followed David Grove’s work and modelled ‘how’ is was asking the questions. They then developed a system to train individuals how to ask the clean language questions, this process is called “Symbolic Modelling” and you can find out more here Clean Language

Alongside this Caitlin Walker of Training Attention also met David Grove while working with youths in central London. Although the principles are the same in terms of questions and ethos her experience of how to practically apply it was  different.

Caitlin was working in a completely different arena and therefore had to adapt the way the questions were introduced and asked. Caitlin over 10 years has developed a way of working with groups using Clean Language questions and principles and this process is called ‘Systemic Modelling’.  You can find out more about Caitlin’s journey here and her book from Contempt to Curiosity.

At Step by Step Listening we now work with businesses, families and individuals who want to develop their own bespoke strategies to speak up and be heard without fear of upsetting others.

Sheryl – The Strength and Solution Detective
Supporting you to do more of what you love and ditch the critic that says you can’t

Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Manage your critic – from Overwhelm to clarity in 7 steps

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happy set you up for success. I might be part of the solution you need and I might not but you will you know your next best step. Or you can thickpaperbackfront_FinalPurchase a copy of my book here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detectivedetective-happy-smaller

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.

Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.

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Why I Work When On Holiday?

sunset day 1Many of my friends and family think there is something is wrong with me because I work on holiday. When I have talked to them it is because for them work is work, and home is home and holiday’s are holidays – all thoughts relating to them are very neatly organised in their very own seperate boxes. Putting things in boxes can be a great strategy and it definitely works for many situations. In fact it works for Mark my husband. Continue reading Why I Work When On Holiday?

Will Your Story Repel Or Attract Clients?

When it comes to attracting more of the right clients it is important to truly value your story. The journey you took to become an entrepreneur defines you and makes you different. I love this video from my book mentor and now collaboration partner Karen Williams.

Writing a book certainly was a turning point for me to truly value how my coaching was different to other coaches and it even highlighted how I am different from those that originally trained me.

By mapping out how I work I was able to understand my own unique step by step process.  I became aware of my own ‘Sherylism’s that are unique to me and because of my own personal journey.

When it comes to you and your business only you have walked the route you did, in your shoes, read the books you have, attended the training you did and experienced life from your map of the world.

Writing a book to build your business is a process that I highly recommend to anyone wanting to truly value their life experiences and pass them on to prevent suffering for others.

It is a beautiful resource to listen to and acknowledge what makes you unique and it helps you hone and appreciate every part of your own story. It can also make sense of the many painful lessons, opportunities and relationships lost because you didn’t know what you know now. And whilst at times that can be a little sad and even frustrating, it is eased by the knowledge that you will be able to prevent others suffering the same fate by educating and sharing what you know now.

Clarity can be the thing that drives you to get up and do more of what you love. Knowing what your strengths are and what kind of solution you provide for others can inspire you to be even more courageous.

And with each step you will learn to communicate your message in such a way that you get heard, understood and valued by your audience.

You will stop losing sleep over those that are not destined to hear your story. You start to understand your own audience, so well that you embrace that some are simply on another path destined for another teacher and that’s okay.

And for your audience you to start to understand that it is your voice and only your voice they are waiting for. Even if there are just a few, that will totally resonate with your story, you owe it to them to get it out there and share your wisdom. There is something about your language and your journey that means they trust you and they will follow. You and only you can give them hope and inspiration.

When you understand how you overcame the painful lessons you endured and you focus on teaching those lessons rather than talking about the pain, something magical happens. It is like you learn the lessons all over again and you take your own level of understanding to another level.

The relationships I screwed up and the business I lost now all make sense. I now understand why it didn’t work before and now that pain has meaning and purpose.

The process of writing my book “Manage your Critic” has helped me to understand who, I am on this planet to serve. It motivates me daily to reach as many of those people as possible.  And I would love to help you do the same. You matter, you have a story worth telling and you add value to this world.

Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Manage Your Critic – Clarity confidence and change.

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happily set you up for success. I might be part of the support you need and I might not be but either way you will you know your next best step.

Or find out more about how to manage your critic in 21 days with our on line library and webinars that explain why the critic occurs and practical ways to manage it.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detectivehow to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for speaking fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned how to manage her critic and turned her overwhelm into clarity and confidence in 7 steps.

Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.

Free Guide Success Without Stress

Free Motivational Newsletter

Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media

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Linked in

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Clarity confidence and change. Daily activities to get you thinking.

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Please do send me a personal message if you are sending me a friend request as I don’t say yes unless I know you a little.

Love is….getting curious together

This week’s post is inspired by the many different conversations I heard over Valentines day and because What’s working Wednesday is also mine and Mark’s date night.

Did you have the perfect Valentine day for you?

Or did you spend most of it feeling resentful and less than loved?

If love or just romance is evading you then I invite you to ask more questions.

Curiosity is the first step to gaining clarity of what you want and fully understanding what you want is the only way I know how to get it.

If you don’t have clarity of what you want how can you make it happen?

Then once you have clarity of the definition of love for you, I invite you to ask a couple of friends and family for their definition and get curious about how differently we all think of and experience love and romance.

Please check out this video where I share how differenlty Mark and I think about what makes us ‘feel special’

Please do share below your findings.

Sheryl x

 
About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

how to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she conquered her sensitivity to criticism and her fear of not being liked.

Today, Sheryl runs safe to speak retreats where you can develop resources and skills to gain clarity and confidence of what you want and how you want to be and all the time you will be improving and changing the way you respond to feedback.

Fancy a virtual coffee and chat, then please feel free to book a complimentary clarity and confidence session. or SAS Detective TV

Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648

Free Step By Step Listening Guide

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Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media

Twitter

Linked in

Facebook Business

Facebook Personal

Facebook – How to improve listening skills? Daily activities to get you thinking.

SAS Detective TV You Tube

Please do send me a personal message as I don’t say yes to everyone that sends me a connection or friend request.

 

17th February 2016 Uncategorised
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