Stop People Pleasing For Good?
I was fortunate enough to interview a lovely lady called Helen Snape of Helensnape.com for The Listening Detective TV on the subject of people pleasing. It is not a term I personally relate to and yet as she started to describe the behaviour of a people pleaser, I was thinking “Oh my, I used to do that and still do sometimes”. Perhaps I am or was a people pleaser, perhaps my desire to make everyone happy is the same. Now as many of you know I believe that listening can and does transform lives but what you might not know is that I also believe and have evidence to support that, three different people can listen in almost identical ways and yet they will generate a different insight. They might ask the same questions or nod at the same time but each person brings with them their own magic. They have their own process and line of inquiry and their own energy. All of which can and does evoke a different response inside us and therefore gives us access to new information. Which is why I have no problem introducing you to lots of different coaches and therapist. Even if we did exactly the same thing it would never be identical because we each bring our own magic. Continue reading Stop People Pleasing For Good?
7 Steps to Adapt To Change
Hours of helpful and honest conversations means that now in a crisis I am observing them adjust and adapt very quickly. Here are my top tips that have come from those conversations: Continue reading 7 Steps to Adapt To Change
How Do I Overcome Writer’s Block?
I imagine writers block like the author in the movie sat looking at the typewriter and nothing coming to mind. But mine wasn’t like that, in fact it rarely is.
Mine didn’t feel like a block it felt more like an inability to filter or block anything.
It was all coming out. I had the complete opposite of block, it was more like writing diarrhea. Sorry for that image, but it really did feel like it was pouring out and it felt like poo and my critic said as much. As soon as I notice my critic being critical I know it is worth checking in. Continue reading How Do I Overcome Writer’s Block?
Why Do I Cry So Much?
When managing, motivating and mentoring others it can be tough when you have someone that get’s quite emotional. I was that person, before I learned to manage my critic. I want to share my journey and some practical ways you can support yourself or someone you know to reduce the emotional responses.
I remember, I would spend quite a bit of time crying. It was hard, I didn’t want to but the tears seemed to be constantly there just below the surface and the slightest of things would mean they would leak out.
Sometimes it was the odd discreet tear and other times it would be floods along with this uncontrollable sobbing. (Mainly at home I should add) Continue reading Why Do I Cry So Much?
Why Am I So Angry?
The art is learning how to experience them without imposing their affect on others. I believe the answer is to listen without judgment and let them have their space without letting them take up all your time and thinking.
Many find it hard to listen to anger, sadness or pain. It causes them to experience discomfort and so they stop listening and invariably the person telling the story suppresses that emotion instead of simply acknowledging and releasing it in the process of sharing.
And some let their emotions out either without concern for the impact or simply unaware of the pain it causes because they are able to listen to it and it doesn’t impact them.
We are all different. I often feel the pain of others and I have to release it or it stays inside me. What about you? When you listen to someone being angry or sad what happens to you?
Thank you Mark
I would like to thank my husband who is always so patient when I hit this point. It is familiar which makes it frustrating but today I am choosing to simply be fascinated that I am back in this familiar place and grateful I can get back out. At least we know why it is happening and can and do quickly get ourselves out of it.
The Power of Sharing
When I have time to share my story or time to reflect, I can and do make better decisions. I am also a nicer person. Despite knowing sharing works, I don’t always have someone to talk to in the moment. So I park the feeling and get busy and sometimes forget.
Today I woke and I was ‘really’ angry. It had been brewing most of yesterday and yet I ignored it.
Give angry space
When I gave angry my attention I noticed it was inside – tiny angry red face in my stomach. By the time I had finished writing/sharing/reflecting the red face had moved to my head and now my whole face was red. (metaphorically speaking)
As soon as as I saw my face red, it made me smile and I knew what the problem really was. One I was all in my head. It was all about the way I was thinking about the weekend and that was impacting how I felt and how I used my time.
And I smiled even more when I realised the angry red face was what I wanted. Only I wanted the red face to be from a really good workout that blew away the cobwebs. There is a saying that one of my clients uses which is “What you think about you bring about it”
I often say “Be careful for what you wish for” If you do not communicate with absolutely clarity you might actually get what you asked for just not in the way you wanted.
What brought it out was the fact I subconsciously knew I wanted to train. I had mentioned going to the beach last night but Mark didn’t seem that interested so I let it go. Then today I became really frustrated because Mark was going out mountain biking today without me because I committed to work and encouraged him to go, saying I am busy. What I didn’t do is listen to my desire to swim or workout yesterday.
I was saying I am working ALL weekend on the “FREE 7 Day Clarity Challenge”.
Chatting with purpose
As I chat/write to you, my story revealed that during the course of many conversations, watching TV, reading and client sessions this week somethings had sparked curiosity and some pain.
I have a metaphorical wicker bin that I throw Sheryl’s Crap in when I am working with clients and often by the time I have finished a session the stuff in the bin has dissolved and or resolved itself. And the weekend is also my time to process and let things go. When I don’t have time for that or when lots of things come in at the same time the content of the bin get transferred to critic headquarters filing cabinet at the front of my head.
Stuck Behind The Listening
When I park and file my emotions like this, it works but only for certain lengths of time.
It is all too easy to get stuck behind listening, listening to everyone else and neglecting to share/listen to your own stories.
I guess that is why I write and why I am now blogging daily again and it is why I run Clarity and Confidence Retreats to give others space to off load their stories and edit them and only put back that which is useful and serves them.
As I push myself outside my comfort zone again with new challenges I am having more buttons pushed and more things end up in the bin and it would seem even more things are ending up in the critic filing cabinet.
When I fail to stop and share those stories with myself or someone else they build up and get stuck in my system which doesn’t serve me. Today they arrived as anger, and it could have easily showed up as tears and or overeating.
What I know now is that I was telling myself a victim story of I am ‘working all weekend’ and my critic knew that I had somethings in my system that needed releasing and the way I was talking was inferring there wasn’t time to share.
When I listened I also realised that my body is craving movement, heart beating activity that makes my face red. My soul is craving the sea and fresh air and I have cabin fever. I feel like I have been glued to my laptop for weeks. (I haven’t, I just feel like I have)
Plan, Progress Praise
It is now 11.30am. I have been writing and editing this blog for 3 hours. Ironically it has taken much longer to process on my own than it would have been with someone who is skilled to listen. But that is where I am today.
What I do know is this. Even if I went to bed at 11.30pm I have 12 hours. I can actually do 5 hours of fun and relaxing soul nourishing stuff. I can have 3 hours cooking and that still leaves me 5 hours to work on the course. So my story is no longer “I am working all weekend” it is updated to I am working 5 hours today and I have already spent 3 hours nurturing my soul too.
That feels so much better and I can’t wait to be red face and enjoying a swim in the sea as the summer starts to roll away and we move into the season of Autumn here in the UK.
What about you? How are you today?
The invitation today is to listen to your feelings, locate them if you can. Consider if they have a shape or size. That feeling is like what? And what would that feeling like to have happen? Whatever feeling or emotion you notice I would love to hear about your experience.
For research for book number two Do, delegate or Ditch – I would love to know if there is a relationship between your current feelings and the story you are telling yourself about time?
Please share below your thoughts as google likes to know you like me or join us for more private conversation in our closed Facebook group Manage your critic
If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a FREE 30 minute call today to explore your next best step. Alternatively if you want to work through the process in private and would like to know when the FREE 7 Day Clarity Challenge will be available you can sign up here
I might be part of the solution you need and I might not, but by the end of the call you will you know your next best step. Or you can purchase a copy of my book here if buying in the UK. Alternatively you can go to www.smile.amazon.co.uk and purchase a copy here. If you don’t yet have your amazon associated with a charity I would love if you would support Square Pegs Charity. A local charity that I support as trustee and patron.
Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.
That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.
Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.
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Challenges Love or Hate Them They Are Part of Life
Just think for a minute what does the word challenge mean to you?
What kind of feelings does it conjure up?
For me it used to conjure up an instant feeling of dread and failing.
And yet for many the word ‘challenge’ really motivates and inspires. They thrive on it.
I am always curious how differently we each experience an individual word and how one word can have such an impact on how people think and feel and ultimatly respond. Continue reading Challenges Love or Hate Them They Are Part of Life
How To Conquer The Time Monster?
One of the most common causes for overwhelm is the fear of not having enough time. It can create this massive monster in our mind and before we know it all we ever seem to say is “I don’t have time.”
Our thinking can become consumed with how little time we have rather than with productive and effective thinking about how we can maximise the time we have.
Time in my experience is not the problem and it is more our perception of time in relation to our desired outcomes that is the culprit.
When we lack clarity of what we want, why we want it, what works for us and how long it will take we often get consumed with indecision and procrastination quickly follows. That can often mean we don’t have any sense of progress because it feels like nothing has been achieved and so the spiral of the time monster continues. Continue reading How To Conquer The Time Monster?
Why Planning Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?
It is purely focused on the future and yet in every moment we are experiencing present, past and future.
Besides the future is over there, in the distance and often means you are working towards something. As the saying goes “tomorrow never comes” Continue reading Why Planning Doesn’t Work Without Reflection?
No One Should be Too Scared To Ask For Help…
This years charity campaign ends 2nd Dec 2017 on the anniversary of the launch of my book “Manage Your Critic”. I really didn’t like admitting that I had, in someway failed and yet when I did reach out and ask for help – the magic started to happen.
What Happens In Spain Stays In Spain..I Don’t Think So!!
Each lady talked, and everyone listened intently and then something happened. It is hard to describe but there was that moment when everyone seemed to consciously aware of what had been achieved. 4 books with the wisdom of these 4 woman had been developed and shared and in doing so a connection hard to describe had been made. What followed was moments of true joy represented with both tears and hysterical laughter. Continue reading What Happens In Spain Stays In Spain..I Don’t Think So!!