Paige and Sheryl before all the drama

How is Facebook and any other social media affecting your self esteem and self confidence?

When you put a post out, advertise an event and you don’t get the response you want then what happens? 

As I review all the Feedback on Facebook and social media in general following the webinar.  I noticed I was much calmer than I have been in years despite being very hungry and very tired and emotionally drained due to juggling lots of new things at the same time such as:

• Remembering what I wanted to say
• Manage two screens
• Managing time
• Discovering that both my ipad and phone can choose to ignore the fact I have set them to silent and can choose to interact with me whilst I am presenting
• Constantly having to refresh the screen to see the comments was also a little disconcerting
• Managing comments that did not stay in chronological order

Despite these physical challenges it was so lovely to have a quiet inner critic. Not a peep came out of my critic for the whole day. Which was a really lovely feeling and one that I am truly appreciating today because that was not always the case.

Post webinar I also had a chat via Facebook with tween and teen coach Karen Nowicki which sparked a thought about how we feel when we put stuff out on Facebook or social media and we don’t get the response we want.

Karen was sharing with me that some teens and predominantly girls put their selfie up and when they get lots of lovely comments their self esteem is raised and when they don’t get any comments there is a risk that their self esteem plummets.

For me Facebook is a way of keeping our family up to date with latest news and it is a marketing tool. It is my forum to share with my clients and potential clients the vulnerable side of me and the most important part of who I am. I am not just the strength and solution detective, I am Sheryl, mum, wife, sister, daughter and friend.

Although I genuinely don’t really have good or bad days any more, only good and bad moments, I do remember quite clearly a time when just hearing someone else say they felt great and they were happy use to make me want to run scream and sometimes even brought me to to tears.

Sharing that side of me (my weakness and vulnerability) is part of my brand and my message that it is okay to be real, it is okay to have emotions and it is okay to say what you think. And yet I don’t agree with branding your drama all over Facebook. Facebook is a forum I am feeling more and more able to be the whole of me and not just the business side of me and yet I will still consider would I tell the cashier in Asda about this? If the answer is yes if I think it will help then I post it.

Linked In

I am noticing that I am more selective which profile pictures I use and I keep it very ‘business’ like for Linked in and although sometimes I resent that a little and every now and again I rebel and break the Linked In rules.  I do recognise this is what is expected on this forum and I love the intellectual conversations that persona attracts. When I behave like an adult I get adult engagement and that is vital to my stability and growth.

What to do with your inner child?

So where do you go when the adult in you gives up and the inner child or even raging teenager appears. 3 years ago my self image and self confidence had hit rock bottom. (I am a relationship and communication coach and at the time with a daughter who had started self harming and said I was the cause. I had kicked her out at 16 telling her if I am the cause of you self harming I suggest you get away from me. I didn’t expect her to go, I didn’t really think that she thought it was me. I was devastated at the response I got from my communication and I felt a failure)

During this time I found myself with heightened sensitivity to a lack of validation and I was seeking approval and endorsement from as many people as possible. (not pretty)

When Social Media Doesn’t Work For Business

At this time social media was not helpful to me. I needed to know I was okay and that I was good at my job despite what was happening with my daughter and I also needed to know how to help my daughter. I found myself in a spiral going down and down. Every success story of a fellow business owner or happy loving mums and daughter’s hit a nerve.  Until one day I heard myself giving a client feedback that they had this great process to help people with ‘xyz’ and yet they were not using it themselves.

The Penny Dropped

That day I realised I was not listening to my own advice either. I did not have clarity of what I wanted I was just complaining about what I didn’t have and what I had done wrong.   I was not confident in my own way of parenting or running my business and I definitely was not noticing every change in the right direction and celebrating it.

I had by now trained 80 plus people to manage their inner critic and there I was being destroyed by mine.

That day I turned envy into inspiration and I created a memory board of all the happy times Paige and I had spent together. I listed her strengths and sent her cards, text and emails that told her repeatedly what I loved about her even when she did not respond I kept communicating what I loved about her. Even when she told me she hated me, I told her I loved her. I gave her evidence of what made her great that she could not argue with and I demonstrated that I was not going anywhere and she could not push me away. No matter how much she tried.

I also learned how my brain processed information and gradually explained to her what I needed to listen to her music ( I am not audio and she is a musician) Our solution was video links with lyrics on the screen. This was not instant and yet that process taught me to do the same for my business. To know what I want, be resourced to make it happen and celebrate every change. Improvement was slow at first with Paige we went from 2 mins of harmonious conversations to more recently 10 days and that took me 18 months of resilience and persistence and it was so worth it.

Train your inner critic to be your strength and solution detective

That day my inner critic became a strength and solution detective for me and my daughter and that in turn gave me clarity and focus in the business. I knew I wanted to improve the way working parents communicate so they can be successful in business and have more patience at home.

Until this point I remember being really sensitive about whether people shared my posts, liked my photos or engaged with me. I found some of the ‘all women groups’ even tougher to engage in because I did not know how to ask for help without looking weak or ruining my professional persona.

It is absolutely right that you must be real and be yourself on Facebook and in real life and of course it is wise to check what is your purpose and intention when you communicate?

What kind of response do you want and why?

If you are communicating on Facebook to get feedback that is vital to you feeling good then I personally would recommend you don’t unless of course it is working.

There are always going to be as many people that get you, as there are that don’t. If you are feeling vulnerable take care and don’t set yourself up for feedback that is not going to help you grow.

If you want to learn how to invite and give evidence based feedback whether you want to develop resilience for social media marketing or you want to empower your teen or you simply want to feel great about who you are please don’t miss our up and coming event Motivate, Manage or Mentor where we will be sharing practical tools to train your critic to listen for strengths and solutions.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to challenging conversations, lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough. Sheryl use to find it difficult to speak up and have her needs met despite the fact she could and would encourage everyone else to do exactly that. A series of 3 events in her personal life forced her to stop and learn how to take her own advice.

Today, Sheryl runs retreats and one to one sessions resourcing you to do more of what you love, delegate what you don’t and ditch the critic that says you can’t.

Sheryl openly shares an easy to adopt communication tool kit that will transform the way you think and train others to listen. Sheryl will be your strength and solution detective until you have fully trained your inner critic and those around you, to listen in a way that motivates and inspires you to be the best you can be.

Fancy a virtual coffee and chat, then please feel free to book a complimentary clarity and confidence session or check out the “How to do, delegate and ditch with confidence” free webinar.

Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648

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