How To Be A Lady That Leaves..
As some of you may or may not know I am a lady that left. After several years of saying if I am this unhappy this New Year I am leaving, I was reminded by a close family member on his side of the family that I had been saying that for four years. She then asked “So when are you leaving?”
Like so many people when they are stuck with a life changing decision it can be paralysing. I knew something had to change and yet no matter how much I tackled the commotion in my head I could not gain clarity and confidence in my own mind.
My critic anced around the drama triangle. One minute I took the victim stance feeling like it was all my fault, then I took rescuer, usually on behalf of my children I felt I should stay and make it work or I would make excuses for his behaviour and with my friends and nearest and dearest I would be persecuting him and sometimes myself for not having the courage to leave. Continue reading How To Be A Lady That Leaves..
Is Your Environment Impacting Your Clarity & Confidence?
As human beings we have 5 core energies that drive our core human behaviors and our environment and the kinds of people we surround ourselves with can and does impact our thinking.
In this video Roger Hamilton talks through the 5 energies: Continue reading Is Your Environment Impacting Your Clarity & Confidence?
What Are Your Auto-Pilot Responses Costing You?
This week as I work my way through 5 days of silence each is a little different from the next.
Day 1 – With fam Continue reading What Are Your Auto-Pilot Responses Costing You?
What Is The Difference Between A Silent Retreat & Sponsored Silence?
With no social media from 9am to 9pm.
It has been interesting since the very first silent retreat on the 28th January to explore what the expectations are of a silent retreat. As I sit here now and write I am all alone and yet the environment is far from silent. The workman are cleaning our drive out front with a pressure cleaner and there is the dull throbbing from the motor continuously pumping.
When I set up this challenge I did it because I had heard of silent retreats and thought, “Wow that must be bliss”. And over the years I have been accused of ‘talking too much’ that a little part of me wanted to prove to myself, and them that I can and do stay quiet for quite long periods of time Continue reading What Is The Difference Between A Silent Retreat & Sponsored Silence?
What Are Your Assumptions Costing You? Day 1 Sponsored Silence
Today was part of a 5 day commitment to be silent for 12 hours per day to complete my goal of 100 hours of silence this year – to raise money and awareness of those in our communities that are silenced due to judgements and assumptions. And as I share my findings I am constantly reminded that we are all guilty of this in every day life. We make assumptions that cost us business and relationships time and time again.
12 Hours Starts Now Continue reading What Are Your Assumptions Costing You? Day 1 Sponsored Silence
What Happens When You Don’t Give Your Team Time To Speak?
As I prepare for my 5 day sponsored silence 18th June to 22nd June I have decided to write articles to share my observations of myself and those around me.
These articles are an invitation to be curious with me. Many of us feel silenced because we cannot find the right words or we fear that we will be misunderstood and so stay quiet rather than get it wrong.
Perhaps you are feel silenced at work or home because there is never ‘enough’ time to really talk about what is happening.
And too many, in our communities are silenced because someone or society has said they don’t deserve a voice, they are not worthy and I am here to say that you matter and your story and your strengths have value and you make a difference.
The Day Before I Go Silent …
This time tomorrow I will not be able to speak for 12 hours per day from 9am to 9pm for 5 days. The goal is to be silent for 60 hours. I have already done 4 separate day of 10 hours each and this final quest will ensure I reach my goal of 100 hours silent. A drop in the ocean compared with those that are all too often silenced for a life time.
If I speak even for 1 second or just 1 word then I lose that whole hour and my silence for that day is extended by another hour.
I am also not going to be on social media posting or engaging. (There are some automated responses that if engaged with I can and will respond to outside of the sponsored silence period.)
It is interesting to notice the panic that set in initially as I considered who or what I needed to say before tomorrow.
Time is running out
There were some really complex things that I just ‘had’ to express verbally, that resulted in a long download to both my PA and my business partner late Friday night.
Both partnerships had projects with deadlines looming.
What transpired is that I didn’t really have much to say but I did talk for some time.
The energy and the speed with which I did speak was quite fast. This was fear speaking – not clarity. Fear of not being able to communicate clearly with pen and paper if at all. Fear that what I wanted to have happen would be forgotten.
I talked and talked. What I noticed is that felt quite exhausted afterwards. What I have been reminded of so quickly is why I love Clean Language – when I am in this story mode, downloading all kinds of information it can quickly and effectively ground me to clarify ‘what is the point of my dialogue? What I am trying to say?
I wonder who, when or how you process your thinking?
Are you someone that needs to think to talk or someone that talks to think?
When time is limited in the workplace many people in my opinion lack the time to think.
What I believe happens is that home life is directly impacted by this overwhelm and lack of clarity. It becomes the only space you have to process your thoughts. This can result in you withdrawing from your family because you need time to think or you may be like me and download from your day.
My question today is – Is that really how you want to spend your home life? Downloading and processing your day at work?
This is okay occasionally but it can impact our personal relationships if we are always distracted with unprocessed and unsettled thinking.
When I reflect on Friday night the ‘actual’ thing I had to say took minutes but the talking around my feelings and thoughts took much longer. That was driven by my awareness I could not talk next week.
Now I am curious about what happens in business when we become so busy we silence our teams simply by not having time to listen. What happens to their fears and concerns when they need to download and express how they ‘feel’?
Please join me this week and notice how often you feel silenced?
Have a go at telling yourself you can’t talk for 2 hours or a day and notice what happens to your system?
Please share below your findings.
I would love your support sponsoring me as I am raising money for two local charities that support those in our community that are silenced in the most horrendous way.
Southern Domestic Advice Services – supporting those affected by domestic violence in many ways.
Square Pegs Charity – A creative and well being hub for those that perhaps might otherwise feel excluded.
Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Manage your critic
If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happy set you up for success. I might be part of the solution you need and I might not but you will you know your next best step. Or you can Purchase a copy of my book here
Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.
That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.
Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.
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The Clarity Brain
Your brain and curiosity
The brain has a brilliant mechanism to keep you safe and that in turn can prevent you from sustaining clarity and confidence when communicating.
The Triune Brain is a simple model developed by Paul Maclean that explains what is happening, giving you the potential to set yourself up for success.
It makes sense of why you might get distracted or feel unsettled and stop listening and therefore stop being curious.
At a very basic level, we are animals. We need to know we are safe. Do we fit in? And what are the rules?
We also need to be fed and well rested to be able to think clearly and to learn. Continue reading The Clarity Brain
How to Take The Drama Out Of Your Communications?
- Recognise when you are in the drama triangle
- Reassure you that you are not alone
- Resource you to get out of it.
What is a Drama?
Drama is when you spend more time talking about someone rather than talking to them. Drama is when your insides feel permanently in a knot or your head is clouded and unable to communicate what you truly want. Drama is whenever you do speak it is misunderstood, misinterpreted and it causes conflict. Of Course their are many other examples but hopefully you get the idea.
The Drama Triangle
The drama triangle is a psychological and social model of human interaction in transactional analysis (TA) first described by Stephen Karpman, in his 1968 article “Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis”. Below is an explanation from Caitlin Walker and Sarah Nixon’s one year self coaching diaries and if you want to find out more I highly recommend the book From Contempt to Curiosity
The Ego States
You may blame or PERSECUTE someone else, from this position you are likely to believe it is the other person that has to change. You are likely to look for evidence to prove your point. You are likely to ignore any evidence that contradicts your point. You may be shouting and clearly angry. You may be calm or even smiling. You will be pointing out that someone else is in the wrong. You will be unlikely to be taking any personal responsibility for change.
This is when you believe and we do truly believe in the moment our happiness or success or the lack of it is someone else’s fault. You will hear things like:
- If they just did ……….everything would be okay
- If they were motivated we would all be happy then…
- If they were not so idle, rude disrespectful then…
A different ‘Drama’ role is that of VICTIM, from this position you are likely to believe you are powerless. You are likely to look for evidence to prove your point and again, you are likely to ignore any evidence that contradicts your point. You may be shouting and clearly angry. You may be calm or even smiling. You will be pointing out that someone else is in the wrong. You will be unlikely to be taking any personal responsibility for change.
You might hear:
- Is it just me that can think for myself
- It seems like it is only me they can’t get on with
- I have worked so hard and given so much how come they don’t appreciate it
Another and often deceptive ‘Drama’ role is that of RESCUER, from this position you are likely to believe you are helping everyone else. You are likely to look for evidence that you have to keep doing what you are doing.
You are likely to ignore any evidence that you are maintaining a problem. You are likely to train other people to behave like victims or to dis-empower them. You are likely to pacify persecutors and build up latent anger towards them. You are likely to burn out as what you do is unsustainable.
You might hear:
- If they are not going to do it well enough I will have to do it myself
- I have to do that or they will feel left out
- Can I suggest you do…
Do you recognise yourself yet? Do you recognise someone you know?
I promise you, you are not alone and if you can spot someone else in the drama triangle then it is very likely that you are there with them too. Perhaps as persecutor because you think they have to change not you??(Just a thought)
Many businesses are stuck in drama right now. Many personal relationships fall apart because they end up in drama and of course everyone is someone else’s difficult person.
First Step, is to recognise when you are communicating with others from one of those ego states. You can share this with a trusted friend and ask them to notice if they think you are communicating from drama. You can also observe your own language and be mindful of your intention.
You can practice here by reading these statements and determining where in the drama triangle you think the person is:
- If you they were a good employee they would make time for follow up
- They just want to be paid for nothing
- They want their cake and eat it
- They don’t appreciate me
- They don’t have the same pressures as I do
- I have to come up with all the solutions and ideas, no one else ever contributes
- I have to do it because they won’t get round to it
- I have to do it because they will get stressed otherwise
- I have to do it because they are not skilled enough yet
Can you recognise Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer now?
How to get out of drama?
- Get really clear what you would like to have happen. Ensure your language is solution focused. It is what you want not what you don’t want
- Have confidence in asking for what you want and need
- Develop compassion and understanding for the difference between what is said and what is heard and give evidence based feedback
If you want to know more about ‘how’ to get out drama check my video: “How to do, delegate or ditch with confidence?” where I share 3 communication tools that can help you take the drama out of your communications.
About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective
Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening is well known for her fast speaking and highly motivational passion. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to challenging conversations, lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough. Sheryl use to find it difficult to speak up and have her needs met despite the fact she could and would encourage everyone else to do exactly that. A series of 3 events in her personal life forced her to stop and learn how to take her own advice.
Today Sheryl runs retreats and one to one sessions resourcing you to do more of what you love, delegate or learn how to do what you don’t and ditch the critic that says you can’t. Sharing a communication tool kit and collaboration tool kit that will transform the way you think, feel and understand those around you. Sheryl and her team will be your strength and solution detective whilst you train your inner critic and those that around you to listen in a way that motivates and inspires you.
Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648
Why Can’t I Say No?
One of the hardest things for nice people to do is say No. Your critic can become so pre-occupied with pleasing everyone and keeping the peace that your own needs are neglected.
It is easy to get into blame accusing others of taking advantage of your good nature etc. But the truth is, you are in control of your life and if you don’t feel like you are then perhaps now is the time to take control. Continue reading Why Can’t I Say No?
Why Aberdeen to Perth?
This week I cycled or at least attempted to cycle from Aberdeen to Perth. I set off at 6.38am from Aberdeen and stopped at Dundee some 11 hours later having cycled 78 miles.