Are You In or Out Of Flow?

24 - meaning of flow - SBS

We have all had that feeling when being in business feels like we are pushing water up a hill. You might be there now?

Perhaps you find yourself busy supporting your clients, family and friends and no matter how much you try you just don’t seem to have time for you.

And gaining clients can feel like a desperate scrabble instead of feeling easy like the right clients are attracted to you.

And occassionally you have those times when things are working and it is like everything is going in the right direction.  Roger Hamilton calls this flow. Continue reading Are You In or Out Of Flow?

Stop Trying To Please Everyone

how to improve listening skillsI had known for years that ‘niche’ marketing was a good idea.

When I set up my business in 2008 I had set myself up as a mums and daughter relationship coach and I also remember how focused I was.

It definitely worked and your ideal client will change.But you do need to have real clarity why you are changing. For example have you changed when you want to work or where you want to work therefore you now need to attract different people? Or are you changing because you are listening to what other people want. Continue reading Stop Trying To Please Everyone

Why Is Why Such a Difficult Question To Answer?

start with whyI am currently listening to the audio book “Start with Why” by Simon Sinek.

And I have been spending this week really listening to myself and tuning into my why and already I can feel a momentum building up inside that is driving me forward to do more of what I love.

My clarity and confidence to keep taking the next step and the next step is growing in energy like a steam train as it starts to pull out of the station.  I am loving this experience. And yet it wasn’t an easy question to answer. Continue reading Why Is Why Such a Difficult Question To Answer?

The Power Of Clarity

I’ve always considered myself to be a confident and determined person and like to think that I’ve been successful in anything I have put my mind to, so when we started our marketing business, I never considered for one moment that this would be any different.

Even though I never meant to go into marketing as a full time role.

Infact, we have an ecommerce business and I decided to train in marketing to understand how to promote this business more successfully. Continue reading The Power Of Clarity

A Tribute To My Mum

 

Dear Mum,

Today is the 10th Mother’s Day without you.

I remember when I was a child and even as an adult I would write you vial letters when I was in pain because I had no other way of speaking to be heard. I remember sneaking the letters under your pillow when I was cross with you and didn’t know how to tell you that I was hurting without being seen and heard as naughty or rude.

Then day by day as you slipped away, we sat and talked to the early hours and gradually we began to have the confidence to have those conversations face to face that we had avoided for so many years.

Thank you to the photographers that released these photos after mum died free of charge ....

Thank you to the photographers that released these photos after mum died free of charge ….

 

I will always be grateful for that day as we held hands and you asked me what was the matter?

You said I had ‘That face on’ the one apparently I always have when I am upset.

At first I said there was nothing wrong. I didn’t want to make a fuss, my upset seemed selfish and insignificant under the circumstances, for heaven sake you were dying.

But you insisted and slowly the courage grew inside and I had to know before you were gone.

I remember the words catching in my throat. It was difficult to talk without crying. I was worried about how I worded it – I didn’t want you to feel bad or think I was complaining and I wrestled for sometime to get the words out.

I then said “I don’t understand, last night you called us all to the hospital – all being my Dad, my brother and my sister. You passed a ring to Carl and said this is for you, you passed a ring to Linda and said that was for her and then you passed me a ring for my daughter Paige and said that was for her. And you didn’t pass me a ring”

As the final words came out the tears trickled down my face because this was not the first time I had felt excluded and left out. I had never known what I had done wrong and why I never felt loved. I had always tried so hard to be good and not break the rules but it never seemed to gain me the response I expected.

Then you held my had mum and said “Sheryl don’t be daft you’re the oldest you get my wedding ring – I just had to organise the others as it was not as obvious”

In that moment I learned that my mum had always loved me and that how I interpreted and judged behaviour without having the courage to ask and be curious had often caused me to feel unloved, different and excluded.

As I sat and reflected about the past few weeks – I remembered the night of the rings in more detail and now my attention is not on what didn’t happen but what did happen

I had arrived after the rest of my family. My sister was sat to the right holding my mum’s hand and my brother sat to her left holding her other hand and my dad was stood behind my sister. When I arrived I was invited to sit on the chair at the foot of the bed. I felt miles away and it was like I was watching a family I was not part of. The image was representative of how I felt many times before. The oldest of 3 i had often watched the unit of 4 and not quite felt like I belonged.

Then something weird, amazing and life changing happened. (Although it was several months later before I would remember it)

My mum who by now is bed bound with her spine and lungs riddled with cancer and day by day her morphine is being increased says to my brother and sister to move around one to let me in.

My mum continued to time and shift us around one by one for the rest of the evening, gently encouraging everyone to take turns. (it makes me smile because our power groups are very much based on every one having an equal amount of time to speak – mum you are my inspiration)

Then I saw and heard the fair rule that had always been evident in our childhood. Mum had always had a strong fair rule, she had always given us all exactly the same amount of money for Christmas and birthdays and the same amount of school trips because she was determined we would never feel excluded and now around the hospital bed she was giving us a fair amount of time.

So why is it that I felt excluded and why did I grow up thinking I wasn’t good enough?

Why did she have to die before I could feel in my heart the love that was always there.

I remember saying “I know I am loved and yet I never feel loved, why is that?

Well mum you will be pleased to know that in those 10 years since you have been gone I have spent those years learning about how we listen.

I have developed my skills and I would have loved the conversations we could have now.

I know we get to talk now through my letters and my writing but I would do anything right now to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love and value you the lessons you taught me.

Thank you for sharing with me before you went

As we talked mum said “She was sorry she hadn’t ever asked me about my work, my career or my business.” She explained that she was jealous and she had convinced herself that the ‘right’ thing to do was be at home with the family and yet she had wanted to work.

Due to dyslexia and lack of confidence in her own handwriting she had avoided applying for work that required an application form. That in itself prevented her from doing more of what she loved and it prevented this world from tuning into her full potential.

That information made sense of so many conversations – I now understand that when I felt criticised you were challenging me to do more than you because you saw me as better than you and yet I saw you better than me.

I now understand why you were so insistent on making me practice my handwriting over and over and to walk with books on my head to keep my posture. It wasn’t because you were disappointed in me but because you were disappotinted you had not had that kind of support in your life. You wanted me to do more. You saw my potential before I did.

And when you asked if I had heard Paige read recently you were not judging me for being a poor parent you would just worried and wanted to be sure she got the help she deserved.

I had put you on a pedestal and constantly felt like I had failed as a mother. I measured myself against you.

I had failed to keep my marriage together  and you had Dad were married for 40 years.

I had always worked full time as a single mum and married mum and it felt like you had dedicated your life to us.

I felt guilty because I didn’t listen to my children read as often as I thought you did with us.

All I had ever wanted was to make you proud and be a good mum.

I will always be grateful for those last few days when I finally had the chance to ask you how you did it all. It was such a relief to discover that most of the fun things I remembered were only carried out during the school holidays.

I had been killing myself trying to be the all singing all dancing mum gluing, sticking and baking as many nights as possible. Always feeling a failure if I was exhausted and couldn’t be bothered.

I was instantly able to take the pressure of myself as a mum and enjoy the moments I did have.

Your last day

We smiled and held hands, by now the morphine dose was quite high, it was like you were a little drunk and as the nurse articulately washed your hair you had no choice but to allow someone to take care of you. You chuckled like a little girl and said “I feel like the queen”

You were excited to be going to the Hospice tomorrow and looking forward to your first cigarette in weeks and what I learned in that moment is that the dream of what can be was as powerful as the experience itself.

You never made it to the hospice that night you slipped away and yet knowing there was something to look forward to I believe that made your last day better.

I am still so impressed that you pushed on past Dawn’s birthday (29th Nov) to ensure you didn’t die on that day and you knew you couldn’t die on Carl’s (5th Dec) and even though I said it was okay to let go on my birthday you didn’t listen to me. Instead on the 30th November you let go.

Even in death you were thinking of the impact of your actions on others.

Mum I will always wish you and I had known about these listening skills sooner and that I had been able to convey to you while you were alive just how much I love you and the difference you made to me. I will always wish I could have shared with you the power of trusting that all as it should be and that worrying about what might be or wasn’t takes away the moments we have right now.

That last night together motivates me daily to do my best work and live my best life – always remembering that I add value both at home and work and therefore both require my equal attention.

I know you live on in me.

I know you push me every day to get this book written and to sell more places for my events because you also know that without these skills I would and did for some years repeat the same patterns with your grand-daughter Paige.

paige and I 64_n

We made it through eventually albeit it a little messy

I know if you had been here to support us, Paige probably would have made the transition through teens without the need to self-harm when she did not have the words to express her fear.

You would have listened to her without the guilt I carried in my heart.

You would have done what you always did and I did not always appreciate.

It isn’t fair

I realise now that you always had the intention to love and treat us fairly. I thought fair meant treating us the same which probably came about because that is what you often said.

You gave us the same amount of time around the bed, you gave us the same amount of money for birthdays and Christmas’s and you sent us on the same amount of school holidays.

I now know that fair now does not always mean the same and that life is shit sometimes and things change and it isn’t fair that you had to die before I learned to feel the power of your love.

As I write my first book I find myself connected to you in a way I never thought possible. The first 90,000 words were all the things I never told you about how I felt because I didn’t know how to tell you I was unhappy without making you unhappy or cross. The final book will be a tribute to you and what I hear now about our relationship now that I have eradicated the drama from my story.

Today I know you would be proud of me and it breaks my heart you had to die before I could hear your love and feel our connection.

It was only with pending death either of us had the courage and the conviction to calm our internal fears and listen with compassion in our hearts.

You gave me purpose

Today I spend my time sharing with others practical tools to hear, understand and value the relationships that support them to work, learn and love at their very best.

Sister Time

Sister Time

I know you are watching over us and you are very proud of us all. I know you would love the way the women in our family our now pulling together and supporting each other in the way only women can and that I have finally learned how to enjoy family gatherings and find my place.

I know you will be glad that I have friends that I lean on and I don’t try and do it all myself and I know you will be happy that we appreciate the men in our lives for supporting us in their own unique way.

I know that you will be smiling that Carl kept his promise and didn’t let Dad turn into a grumpy old man. I know you will be happy that he has remarried and has found love again because without love what do we truly have.

Thank you to my sister in law for never giving up and for always inviting me to the party - I know it took me a while to learn how to have fun again x

Thank you to my brother and sister in law for never giving up and for always inviting me to the party – I know it took me a while to learn how to have fun again x

Happy Mother’s Day Mum – I love you with all my heart and today in your memory I will do my best work and keep my heart open to every opportunity to change the way the world listens

 

 

 

For those interested I had 12th and 13th March in my diary for a Do, Delegate or Ditch retreat.

Due to being busy writing the book I forgot to market it. My mum’s birthday is the 10th March and so Mark, Liam and I have decided it would be wrong not to open our home and heart up that weekend and share with you the tools that can and will transform the way you hear those that matter to your success and happiness.

Please check this link for more information about Do Delegate or Ditch a 60 day programme that helps you make sense of why you have not been able to make good decisions all of the time and what needs to happen to work, learn and love at your best.

We normally ask you to invest £797 for this 60 day package but for this week only the package is just £597 and £100 per person will be donated to Southern Domestic Abuse Service – because sometimes you have to stop listening and get out and they do such a great job supporting people in our local area to make that brave leap.

Don’t let money get in the way – we can take payments in instalments.Talk to us now.
About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

how to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she conquered her sensitivity to criticism and her fear of not being liked.

Today, Sheryl runs safe to speak retreats where you can develop resources and skills to gain clarity of what you want and confidence to speak and be heard.

Fancy a virtual coffee and chat, then please feel free to book a complimentary clarity and confidence session. or SAS Detective TV

Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648

Free Step By Step Listening Guide

Free Motivational Newsletter

Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media

Twitter

Linked in

Facebook Business

Facebook Personal

 

SAS Detective TV You Tube

Please do send me a personal message as I don’t say yes to everyone that sends me a connection or friend request.

 

Sometimes The Best Thing To Do Is Quit The Positive Mindset

Have you ever got stuck with a problem and no matter how many times you think about it you can’t find the solution.
There is so much hype about being persistent and staying focused that today I want to talk about why sometimes quitting the positive mindset is the answer.
Take me for example. I am busy writing my book and it is taking up quite a lot of head space and although with each chapter things are getting clearer, my head feels full. So this week when it came to writing the blog and newsletter my head had absolutely nothing left to give.
Some people might think that you must be positive but for me acknowledging and actually allowing myself to be fed up for a moment and then taking time to listen to my inner critic really helps me.
Funny enough as I allowed myself time to think and I followed some of my strategies to get back on track I realised that was actually what I could share with you.
So this is what I did. – some might think that I was not being very positive and yet I can tell you I feel great now.
Sometimes not being perfect is just perfect.
  1. Quit sitting and staring at your computer – Change space, even a small change in physical environment can stimulate your creative side of your brain and give you new insights. I moved from the office to the dining room and stared out to the garden but you might find just stretching and walking around for a few minutes is all that is needed to make the difference.
  2. Quit Typing – Writing free hand with an actual pen is said to stimulate thoughts and it definitely works for me. I stopped and gave myself time to write in my ‘Drama Diary’ a note book where I write all my negative angry thoughts that I don’t want to really vent but sometimes just have to come out. It can be very therapeutic especially when I finish with my written rant and ask myself the magic question – when I know all that what would I like to have happen?
  3. Quit indoor life and get out more. Take time outside regularly fresh air and nature can inspire all kinds of thoughts. Fresh air, nature and different textures can stimulate your senses. I had been training outdoors in the morning and felt I had enough fresh air but even a brief walk to the end of my garden and a few seconds to acknowledge the bulbs that had blossomed gave me a moment of clarity and apprecation that simply reminded me of how precious life is and that I was getting into a drama over nothing and don’t forget my garden is really small too.
  4. Quit talking to yourself and find a friend to talk to – for many learning styles being able to hear your own thoughst and have them reflected back makes all the difference. It was good to talk to Mark about my many failed attempts of video, not so good that I forgot to tell him I didn’t actually want him to try to help me. But once we got it clear that I just needed a sounding board and he asked the fab question what is working I started to realise that I had not wasted the entire day really – it just felt like that.
  5. Quit beating yourself up – how often do you sleep on a problem and the next day you wake inspired and know exactly what you should do. I am well known for power naps. It always surprises me what pops in my head if I just give myself 10 minutes horizontal.

I hope these tips have inspired you today and if you are still struggling book a clarity call and I would be happy to listen.
About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

how to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she conquered her sensitivity to criticism and her fear of not being liked.

Today, Sheryl runs safe to speak retreats where you can develop resources and skills to gain clarity and confidence of what you want and how you want to be and all the time you will be improving and changing the way you respond to feedback.

Fancy a virtual coffee and chat, then please feel free to book a complimentary clarity and confidence session. or SAS Detective TV

Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648

Free Step By Step Listening Guide

Free Motivational Newsletter

Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media

Twitter

Linked in

Facebook Business

Facebook Personal