I Feel Guilty When I Work and I Feel Guilty When I Don’t

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It has been really interesting supporting a mixture of business writers and fiction writers this year on our Spanish writing retreat. 

It was such a privilege to listen to their stories and I am so looking forward to sharing their work with you. As the fiction writers shared over dinner their process for building up and getting to know their characters I became aware that writing a book that builds your business forces you to really get into the head of your potential reader. It seemed they were  following a similar process to the one we use when supporting our clients to develop an understanding of their client avatar.

We also had many laughs and chuckles at the different meanings of many writing terminology such as final draft and first draft. Apparently first draft is usually the 100th draft but it is the first one you share with others.

The clients were instantly blown away by the space and said things like it feels like heaven and like I have come home. They were keen to make the most of the space and time and wanted to be productive.  As we listened, we unravelled they were torn between writing and retreating. As we explored this more this was a pattern that showed up at home too. One said they felt guilty when they worked and they felt guilty when they didn’t?

Can you take guilt free time off?

Do you feel you deserve time off?

Do you worry if you stop you won’t be able to get started again?

This time last year I was attending the writing retreat in Spain as a client and I got myself into such a pickle. I had ‘sold’ the idea to Mark, my husband that I needed space and time to write. Then I discovered what I really wanted was a few days on a sunbed not feeling responsible for anyone but myself. My critic was really throwing a hissy fit. Because I was saying one thing and doing another it had no idea how to support me. When I was writing I was wanting to rest, when I was resting I felt I should be writing.

I was so torn, then I became worried if I didn’t sort my head out the whole thing would have been a waste of time and money. I had booked the retreat because I had said for years I wanted to write a book and I was also tired and exasperated. I was sick of talking and not attracting enough of the right clients. I felt so frustrated with speaking and being misunderstood.

That resulted in me putting so much pressure on myself to make this time away count, that I almost missed the whole point of a ‘retreat’!!! As a supporter I am constantly carrying the needs of others in my head and having a space where I only have to think about me is quite rare.

Writing a book that builds your business forced me to gain clarity of my own process, to make it teachable in a book without any feedback or personal engagement and as a direct result my confidence in my knowledge has grown and I know my purpose on this planet.

 

sunset day 1But the retreat gave me space and time to really listen to my own needs and to ensure that I was able to take care of myself and ask for the things I needed to work and live at my best with others. It had such a massive impact on me that I wanted to get involved and support Karen to attract more clients and ended up here this year working.

The private apartments mean our clients share apartments but have their own rooms. Providing a great balance between alone time and connection. The space around the property provides lots of nooks and crannies where you can hide away and be with your own thoughts. And the blend of group discussions, coaching, mentoring, guided walks and dips in the pool means that you can learn to tune into and hear, see and feel your own natural rhythm.

You are given permission to do what is right for you and for some that can be difficult after being so focused on supporting others.

I really loved helping clients this year to manage their critic, freeing them of overwhelm and inspiring them to gain clarity and confidence in their stories and processes. Karen provides practical support with answers to strategy and structure for their books and the marketing.  Being in this loving space again this year has made me realise just how much I have grown since last year.

Writing my book and giving myself permission to stop and reflect was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have been able to create new programmes, package differently and value my time and knowledge better which means I now earn more in less time doing more of what I love.

The clients have now left so I am having my own retreat with a couple of days to myself before our husbands join us for a few days in the sun.

I would encourage anyone that spends their life listening to others and supporting others to give yourself permission to go on a retreat. For those that love to write or wish they could write a book then I highly recommend the writers retreat. We are taking bookings already for next year.

 

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detectivehow to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her speaking fast and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.

Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.

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How Long Have You Been Saying You Wish You Could Go On A Retreat?

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Travelling to Spain 2015 – I looked confident but inside I was so nervous

Can you think of a time when you personally were stuck in indecision or perhaps inactivity?

Maybe you heard yourself using language that focused on blaming and berating yourself for procrastinating. Now be curious about where you need to be to think clearly? What works for you to make a good decision?

One of the things that I talk about in the book “Manage Your Critic – From Overwhelm to Clarity in 7 steps” is the importance of space.

Did you know that your brain is storing information all the time? Recording and recalling all that you see, hear and feel. Where you are physically, can impact your thinking and that can be positively or negatively.

For many of my clients they are like me, entrepreneurs who work hard for their family who often work from home. Whilst working from home can provide you with flexible, low cost working space that allows you to be with your family, it also means that work, personal and family are often crammed into one physical space which can, in my experience start to reflect your thinking.

Everything blends into one in your head, causing those feelings of overwhelm. You might feel like you cannot cram another thought in. Your body might be complaining and giving you signals that you are emotionally overloaded. All too often you ignore it, park it and push on. Sadly, too many wait until crisis hits before they listen to that little voice in their head giving them the clues that something is not right.

Spain 2016 - Writing Retreat celebrating my first book and inspiring others

Spain 2016 – Writing Retreat celebrating my first book and inspiring others

When you want to gain clarity it is important to ask questions that start to separate the information out and gain some order, logic and awareness. With each question you can start to gain a new perspective and with each iteration you can unravel what is happening now and what you would like to have happen. And as you do this it is important to separate fact, from the story and assumptions your brain has made up to make sense of all the information it has collected in fast succession.

For years I had yearned to go on a retreat, I remember talking to my counsellor at the time who was supporting me through my divorce. I felt lost and I was needing to get away but didn’t know what I could do on my own. My counsellor handed me her copy of the brochure from Cortijo-romero in 2005 and every year since I have received my own copy.

And every year it arrives I put it on the side and say one day I will go on this. I would tell Mark and I now know that I was waiting for him to give me permission and sometimes I would be frustrated that he didn’t make it easy for me. I was dropping massive hints, he knew I wanted it so why hadn’t he just booked it or at least asked me why I hadn’t booked it. Instead he would listen and smile and say nothing. He assumed I would go, if that was what I wanted to do. He has always seen me as confident and capable even when I completely lost sight of it.

I told myself that I couldn’t afford it, or I didn’t have time but the real reasons were fear and guilt.

With this particular company you had to find your own way from the airport to the resort and alone time really scared me. I think they now offer a transfer service.

It is hard to explain but I needed to be away from everything at home, I was saying I needed time for myself but I was petrified of being alone all at the same time. Who would I be without someone to care for and what would I do if I only had to care for me. That was not a world I was familiar with and it was uncomfortable.

sunset day 1

Time to tune into nature and listen to your own natural flow

What I know now is that I was so focused on helping others that I really found it hard to look after myself, I found it hard to ask for my needs to be met until I learned to manage my critic so that I had clarity of what I wanted.

I felt guilty for leaving my children to do something just for me. I felt guilty that my marriage had failed and that I even needed or craved time out. My parents were the kind that didn’t have sitters or go out much when we were younger. They seemed so much stronger than me and never seemed to need a rest or a break from us kids and I felt bad that I didn’t have their constitution.

Not to mention they were the only people I would have trusted with my children for a week. Then mum died in 2006 and so that source of support was gone. By 2007 Mark and I were living together but even then that didn’t feel right to ask him to take care of my children to give me a break.

What would people think?

How wrong would it be for him to take time off work and not have an acutal holiday but have to stay at home with my children? They were my responsibility.

Then in 2008 crisis had hit again, I had burnt myself out at work doing 70 hours week and working every day, never really saying no or taking time off. I was grieving my mum and craving approval, a sense of meaning and I desperately needed to know that I mattered and that my life mattered. I had no direction or sense of purpose.

I needed recognition that I meant something and life had some greater meaning. I didn’t really know that then, but now I can see that every time I didn’t hit my bonus quota I felt a failure, everytime I had to leave my children to work another shift I felt guilty and nothing I seemed to do, seemed to gain me any awareness that I mattered and what I was doing was making a difference.

Eventually I had a break down and I quit my job in May 2008 and became a stay at home mum and there was no way I could take a holiday and leave Mark at home with my children now. It was bad enough being financially dependent for the first time since I was 14 years old. I was being loved and supported and cared for my Mark and yet I felt even more trapped than ever. Who was I without my salary and without my job? How did I matter? Was cleaning windows and washing clothes really my destiny?

Writing Retreat

It took me 10 years but I finally went on my first retreat last year in 2015.

Karen Williams of Librotas had told me about her writing retreat in 2014 and I instantly knew I wanted to go. By now I had been running my own business with up and down success since 2008. I had wanted to write a book for as long as I could remember. Writing has always been my medium to express myself when I am struggling to be heard. So it made sense to use this tool when it came to discovering how to be heard better in business.

So why was I able to attend this retreat and I couldn’t do the other ones?

There are many reasons and the first that come to mind are:

  1. Karen was travelling with them to the airport so no scary trip to find my own way to the resort. Giving myself permission to go away alone was scary enough and I didn’t need the trip there to also be part of that growth process. As I write that I am a little embarrassed that I was scared of this because I use to be a really confident traveller. But motherhood, divorce and life in general had thrown so many changes at me, I needed a little more love, hand holding and nurturing to make my dreams a reality.
  2. It also helped to realise as a coach Karen had felt apprehensive about running a retreat alone abroad and so she had employed the services of Rebecca from European Coaching Retreats who co-hosts the foreign retreats with Karen. It made me feel less weird about my fears and concerns and I was even more reassured that I was in safe hands and I didn’t need to think or worry about a thing. Rebeccas is on hand with exquisite local knowledge and fluent in Spanish. A natural and adventurous traveller she is delightful and inspiring to listen to and whilst I came to write a book I also gained the confidence to travel hence the trip to New York with my daughter earlier this year.
  3. I had always wanted to write a book and the desire was starting to frustrate me because I had not taken action. I knew that I was not communicating to my client what I did very well and I was impressed with how book writing had launched Karen and her business. (Ironically I had coached Karen to manage her critic when she was writing her first book but I had not known at the time that was what I had done. I had just been me doing what I love) This desire to have a book and hold it and say I did that was so strong. I had for years started things but never seemed to have what it took to actually finish them and I could image my very own book in my hand and as I did so that smile would broaden across my face, my heart grew and my shoulders moved back. Yes writing a book that I was proud of would be such a great sense of achievement.

What I didn’t know is that writing a book would give me so much more than that and I didn’t know how much fear and overwhelm it would release at the same time.

The first retreat was a safe and confidential space for me to deal with my unexpected emotions. I managed those feelings with the support and guidance of Karen and Rebecca which resulted in me modelling out how I moved my clients from overwhelm to clarity and then learning to take my own advice. From the retreat last year the book Manage your critic was born.

This year my book will be published. I can now talk about my business with so much more clarity and confidence. Collaboration and partnerships are easier because I have confidence in my value and the difference I make. I have increased my profit already which has already paid for everything I have invested into writing this book and I can’t wait to see what the future brings because I know I matter. I know that my story has value and this is my purpose. I was supposed to experience all that I did and then I was supposed to share my experience. As are you. You too have a story worth telling, you matter, you are enough and there is enough.

And retreating will now be part of my life. It is vital to my clarity and my confidence. As I always  share what works for me, I encourage you to take time for a retreat if it has been calling you.

If you would like to order your copy of my book it is available here. Better still join me for the celebrations at the book launch on the 2nd December 2016

Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Clarity confidence and change.

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happily set you up for success. I might be part of the support you need and I might not be but either way you will you know your next best step.

Or find out more about how to manage your critic in 21 days with our on line library and webinars that explain why the critic occurs and practical ways to manage it.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detectivehow to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asking for support. In her book she describes the step by step journey she took to learn how to manage her critic turning her overwhelm into clarity in 7 steps.

Sheryl now runs retreats that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.

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Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media

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Clarity confidence and change. Daily activities to get you thinking.

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Please do send me a personal message if you are sending me a friend request as I don’t say yes unless I know you a little.

Why You Should Never Start Feedback With “Don’t Take This Personally?”

20 - The quality of your attention - SBSWhen you are building relationships and growing a business change is the one thing that is constant and learning to communicate with clarity and confidence when you are frustrated or annoyed is important.

One sure thing that will set you up to fail is starting with the sentence – “Don’t take this personally.” The brain doesn’t hear the don’t.

It hears “take this personally” and if you are going to give feedback then let’s face it – to some extent it is personal. For years I knew I had to be less sensitive to criticism but it is only recently that I have learned to manage my critic and discovered how you to actually receive criticism without taking it personally. So I decided to write a book which will be launched in Dec 2016.

If your intention is to communicate in a way that it is not taken personally then here are some strategies you can follow.

  1. Clarity – have absolute clarity of the outcome you do want. If you don’t want them to take it personally then what do you want instead. Maybe you want to express how you feel about something without upsetting them. Maybe you want to tell them they have done something that is wrong or that has not worked for you and you want to find a solution. But your attention really needs to be on what do you want them to do or say as a result of your communication. What do you want to change?
  2. Confidence – then consider how do you need to be to communicate with clarity and confidence your message. Often when we have a mixture of emotions our tone, pace and overal attitude can impact how our communications are received. Communicating when you are angry or frustrated invariably results in the other person simply reflecting back the same kind of behaviour or withdrawing in which case nothing is achieved. If you are interested in more information about this you might find this useful; “How to take the drama out of your communication?”
  3. Change – think about what support or resources you or they might need for change to happen.

I love the clean feedback models referred to in the book “From Contempt to Curiosity – creating the conditions for groups to collaborate”

This model helps you break down and separate the facts from the emotions.

For example if you feel someone is taking advantage of your good nature. You might say don’t take this personally but I feel you are taking advantage of my good nature.

Where as what is more useful and resourceful and less likely to be taken personally (although not guaranteed) would be;

When I work for you and you don’t pay me or say thank you, I infer that you don’t value what I do. The impact is that I feel that you are taking advantage of my good nature and I resent working and what I would like to have happen is to work with and feel valued.

The Clean Feedback framework used to acquire this were:

What I hear and see is ………..

 

What I infer from that is ………………….

 

The impact on me is ……………………….

 

What I would like to have happen is…………………..

 

By using this model you can manage your critic and communicate with clarity and confidence the change you want.

If you found this article useful let me know in the comments below. Any questions please feel free to ask and if you have any examples of when this worked that would be great to hear too.

Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Manage Your Critic – Clarity confidence and change.

 

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detectivehow to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for fast speaking and passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned to manage her critic and communicate with clarity and confidence the change she wanted. Sheryl runs programmes that create space for you to gain clarity of what you want and the confidence to ask for it and all the tools and resources you will need to make it happen. From planning to delegation and everything in between.

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happily set you up for success. Or find out more about how to manage your critic in 21 days with our on line library and webinars that explain why the critic occurs and practical ways to manage it.

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What’s working Wednesday – top tips and articles to inspire you

Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media

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Manage your critic – Gain Clarity confidence and change. Daily activities to get you thinking.

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Please do send me a personal message if you are sending me a friend request as I don’t say yes unless I know you a little.

From Sales Person To Sales Professional

20 - The quality of your attention - SBSYou might be surprised to find that changing one word can resource you to manage your critic. Your brain records all kinds of emotions and information and if a  I remember for years I was striving for normal

Here is another article in the series co-written with Steve Bimpson the founder of Think Big.

Did you see “Manage your critic manage your sales”

Today I want to hand you over to Steve’s who will share why he is Sales Professional not a Sales Person and how that change of language transformed the way he did business. Continue reading From Sales Person To Sales Professional

Manage Your Critic – Manage Your Sales

Steve BimpsonWhen you’re working in your own business, selling is one of the fundamental processes that you’re going to have to get involved with and take responsibility for.  After all, it’s your business and you’re responsible for growing it.  Statistically though, the vast majority of business owners aren’t sales people and many would hate to be perceived as salesy. You might have noticed your critic having quite a lot to say about selling or worrying about being a nuisance. Continue reading Manage Your Critic – Manage Your Sales

How Do Professional Photos Improve Your Sales?

Strength and Solution DetectiveAt the heart of every business is sales. Without clients you cannot do more of what you love.

So why is it important, in my opinion to have professional photos?

There is the obvious one, in that they are better quality and once you have invested in them, they will be at the right resolution for all kinds of marketing material such as pop up banners etc.

But for me, which probably won’t come as much of a surprise, it is more about the emotional side. When you work with a professional photographer, they know how to position you so that you get the best angle and how to use the light to work with your image. Continue reading How Do Professional Photos Improve Your Sales?

Why Not Everyone Should Write A Business Book?

thickpaperbackfront_604x964As I approach the final stages of writing my first business book I am taking sometime to reflect on some of the critics that inferred that I shouldn’t write a book. Some questioned that this was just a distraction? Others inferred it was an avoidance strategy. Some said it was a waste of time and it won’t make you money. And others looked on and said I wish I had your courage. Continue reading Why Not Everyone Should Write A Business Book?

Why Can’t I Plan Like Everyone Else?

I often hear people having a conversation with their critic about why they can’t plan like everyone else.

Many observe how others plan and think they are doing it wrong.

That is your mammalian brain operating in survival mode. It is checking do you fit in and how do you need to behave to survive in this pack/group. It is trying to work out the rules and the reality is that the rules are different for each of us. What we need to work, learn and live at our best is a constanlty evolving model that needs to be reviewed and checked to ensure you are making decions with the most up to date data.

When your attention is on rules and how do you fit in you are not thinking from a place of clarity but survival.

 

Truine Brain B&W

The model of the Triune Brain was developed by Paul Maclean. I learned it from Caitlin Walker author From Contempt to Curiosity – creating conditions for groups to collaborate.

When is the best time to plan?

Some say that you should plan and set goals annually, then quarterly and review them monthly.

Some say that you should have 5 year and 10 year goals.

But if that is not how your brain works your critic can have a lot to say and this wastes valuable time and energy.

Do you want more time for the people and things that matter?

Planning over different time frames gives you a more comprehensive overview and yet few are agile at all time frames. Most of us are naturally drawn to one or the other. We either love the detail planning of day to day or we are drawn to the big picture visionary planning. And few in my experience have an effective system in place to check the consquences of the business plan on your health and family.

It can be uncomfortable to think in a way that is not natural for you.

Which is why it important to learn to be comfortable with uncomfortable long enough to hear what it has to say.

So the answer to the question why can’t you plan like everyone else is because no one plans the same. We have some similarities and we have many differences. The way to manage your critic is to have absolute clarity and confidence in your way.

When you first of all explore how you do planning now when it works your reptillian and mammalian brain are able to settle and you can think more clearly. Then once you know how you do it you can then develop your skills.

Wealth Dynamics is a great business development tool that quickly makes sense of what your natural time frame may be. Be curious about the time frames that work for you. If you were to have a planning day this week when would it feel comfortable to have the next one? Notice what works for you and how far apart they are.Then consider what would you like to have happen today? What would you like to have happen in the next week? Next Month? Next Year? 5 years? Notice which time frame you find easier to answer.Now reflect back and notice what has worked in the past week, month or year? Some time frames will be easier than others.

If you find you can’t imagine or plan for these time frames get curious and change the time frames and notice what happens?

Can you do 5 days?

Can you do 21 days?

Can you do 3 years?

As The Strength and Solution Detective I work with you to track patterns and notice what is happening when it works for you. Through the power of metaphor we can stretch and develop the agility of your planning time frame.

Clarity brain

Your brain is processing lots of information all of the time and a plan gives you clarity of what you want and support you to make faster and more effective decisions.

Taking time out to reflect on what has worked, what is working and what would it be like if it were just the way you would like it to be can settle your critic and give you the clarity and confidence you need to take action.

If you are curious about how you plan, how you make decisions and how that impacts your time then do check out Do, Delegate or Ditch a two day retreat to give you time out from business and family to learn about how you to do more of what you love and ditch the critic that says you can’t.

I hope you have found this article useful and I would value your comments below. Please share:

What do you know now?

What difference does knowing that make?

You can join us in the Facebook group Manage your critic – Clarity confidence and change.

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happily set you up for success. I might be part of the support you need and I might not be but either way you will you know your next best step.

Or find out more about how to manage your critic in 21 days with our on line library and webinars that explain why the critic occurs and practical ways to manage it.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detectivehow to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned the importance of being heard and asked for support.

By changing the way she listened she was able to manage her critic and gain clarity of what she wanted and the confidence to ask for it.

Sheryl now runs programmes that encourage you to really listen to what you need to work, learn and live at your best with others and the confidence to ask for those needs to be met.

Free Guide Success Without Stress

Free Motivational Newsletter

Follow Step By Step Listening on Social Media

Twitter

Linked in

Facebook Business

Facebook Personal

Clarity confidence and change. Daily activities to get you thinking.

Step by Step Listening You Tube Channel

Please do send me a personal message if you are sending me a friend request as I don’t say yes unless I know you a little.

I Can’t Stop I Have Too Much To Do!!

sailing July 2016 _nWriting this book is challenging me on all kinds of levels.

One I have to be clear what my message is and even now in the final stages I am only just getting clear what I want to say and who I want to say it to. No wonder my business has struggled at times with on line marketing. I have never had trouble with face to face marketing as I just listen, they say what they are struggling with and I say that can I help with that.

Just like my clients who come to me, I have to be focused and willing to ask for help.

I have to believe in myself more than I have ever done and believe that what I have got to say has value and will be useful to others. And I have to be brave because I know some of the people that I would like to hear me won’t and some will want to spend more time teaching me what they think I have done wrong than listening to what I have to say and I want to be ready to listen. I don’t want to be defensive.

Wiht this in mind I am currently going through all kinds of emotions.

Fear has definitely showed its face a few times in the last few weeks as the deadlines draws closer.

My motivation is driven by the fact I want to have a copy of my book in my hand when I got to Australia to visit my best friend in Oct. 17th Oct the book has to be ready. No more pushing it back or making excuses it has to happen.

I have now let go of 75% of the book which means there is no going back and adding or changing unless I want to pay the editor to do her job again.

That leaves me with the final 25% tobe sent over by the end of this week.

On top of that I have clients to take care of, a business to run, a family to connect with and the all important factor of life – I want to have fun. I am sure I am not alone but it always fascinates me how the human brain can shut down into survival mode and leave us feeling like it is just us. Even though I spend much of my time supporting others to gain clarity of their message and helping them make sense of the response they get I am still just like my clients. When I get over tired and I don’t stop to reflect and ackowledge how far I have come and how well I am doing my brain goes into flight, fight or freeze.

My critic has a lot more to say when it thinks I am in danger and when I am tired my clarity brain stops operating as effectively if at all.

Learning to notice the signs and develop strategies to communicate from a place of clairty and confidence is an iterative process.

Last week in my mastermind session the signs that I had not been listening to my critic were there. I had become teary and unable to focus. The overwhelm had reached a limit that was testing my resilience.

I use to think that when I reached this point that I was pathetic until I changed the way I managed my critic.

Now instead of calling myself names and responding with an opinion or judgment I ask more questions and I get curious. What I know to be true is that when I change my focus I change the response.

So this time last week I asked my critic what kind of pathetic is that pathetic?

The answer was – well everyone else can do this but you can’t?

In that moment I remembered how disempowering universal qualifiers can be. By saying things like everyone else can without any evidence that this is true, my mammailian brain kicks into survival mode because it worries that I am left out and I am not part of a pack that will take care of me and protect me.

That is why it is so important to find peer suppport to share the journey.

I then asked what would pathetic like to have happen?

The answer was: – I really want some time off and I want to know that I can still get the book finished before my editor goes on holiday on the 12th August and I want to be sure that I am not going to be misdunderstood.

Once I knew the real problem I was able to email my editor and ask her what is the very latest I can get the last section over and what impact does it have on her and the price I am paying if I change the deadline.

I had to check with my peer reveiw who are my ideal client what they thought of the book and then I remembered they had given me the feedback that gave me evidence the overall message was being heard as I wanted it to be.

Regarding being misunderstood that is inevitable. People will read it and make their own interpretation so I can’t do anything about that, other than be sure that I am happy with what I said and what I meant by it. Then when they criticise I can ask questions and be curious how they came to that conclusion when that was not my intention.

I was so grateful to have 15 minutes to chat to my book mentor which instanlty put my mind at rest and that I was not alone. Knowing that support is in place meant I was able to relax at the weekend and enjoyed a fab weekend catching up with people I love.

With that clarity it means I can ask for help from a place of confidence and not from a place of victim.

As I sit here today working I am so glad I gave my body and mind time to focus on fun and friendship because now I feel like I have more energy and more clairty and confidence has space to grow.

What is happening for you?

Do you listen to your critic and believe everything it says or do you ask questions and ask for evidence?

Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Clarity confidence and change.

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happily set you up for success. I might be part of the support you need and I might not be but either way you will you know your next best step.

Or find out more about how to manage your critic in 21 days with our on line library and webinars that explain why the critic occurs and practical ways to manage it.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detectivehow to improve listening skills

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she conquered her sensitivity to criticism and her fear of not being liked.

Sheryl runs programmes that encourage you to speak your mind. Giving you space and time to gain clarity and confidence of what you want whilst learning simple models and tools that help make sense of change. Through the step by step listening process you will become more and more confident to give and receive criticism and develop the support you need to more of what you love and ditch the critic that says you can’t

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Can One Event Really Change Your Life Forever?

For years I had worked hard to really help as many people as possible. My clients were become really successful in business and their personal relationships were flourishing. They were moving house and I felt I just didn’t earn enough to make that kind of change, they were booking luxury holidays and I just wished I could and they were buying lovely cars and I convinced myself that a nice car didn’t matter to me.

My critic had taken over and instead of loving helping others I started to resent it and guess what when you are not loving what you do and doing what you love you are not really that attractive and you don’t really inpsire many people to come closer to take a look. Continue reading Can One Event Really Change Your Life Forever?