Three Questions That Can Get You Over Self Doubt
Being self employed, a parent and basically a human being it is normal to have self doubt. If you knew everything and you was always comfortable then in my opinion you would have stopped learning and stretching and quite frankly you most probably would have stopped truly living at your best.
Anxiety and a little nervous tummy are for me, are a signal that I have a decision to make.
When I feel like this what I have discovered works for me are 3 questions that change my focus which invariably changes the results. What I have noticed is that over time I have been able to disconnect one by one the emotional triggers that result in self doubt. Here are the questions that work for me:
Question 1: What would I/you like to have happen?
When you are stuck with a decision training your attention and inner critic to converse with and talk about what you ‘do‘ want rather than what you don’t want is important. Once you are telling your story from a perspective of I want ‘xyz’ you are more likely to be able to communicate that to others in a way they will hear and understand. (People generally have an intolerance to listening to what you don’t want because they have no idea how to support you)
When you know what you want then you can resource yourself and ask for the appropriate help.
And sometimes no matter how much you try to work out what you want you find yourself stuck in the hole of “I really don’t know what I want”. You know logically that is part of the problem and no matter how much it makes sense you can discover yourself becoming quite frustrated with yourself because you cannot articulate what you do want.
In my experience rather than beating yourself up and giving yourself a hard time for being so negative try moving on to question two:
Question 2: What is working? or What has worked recently?
When I lose sight of my success, my achievements my ‘done list’ my mind shuts down and it loses sight of solution focused communication. This is when I invest time exploring what is working to build stronger foundations and awareness that I am in fact safe and all is not doom and gloom.
If you find yourself unable to state what you do want then I would go as far as to say ‘force’ yourself to reflect on your strengths and success so far. This might feel a bit weird at first and it will most likely go against your natural pattern – it is suppose to. It is a bit like resistance training in the gym, to build inner strength you have to do something differently.
Giving yourself evidence based feedback and tracking your own success you may notice things that you would like to have happen more often or more consistently in which case you will be gradually create a solution focused mindset and you will be able to articulate what you do want.
This isn’t something I found easy at first, I found it hard to look back. In fact I had no real way to access ‘good’ memories with this in mind you might set yourself a task of consciously noticing and recording what is working over the next 90 days. The result is the same. Your attention is on what is working.
This investment of time is so worth it I promise.
Training your inner critic to pay attention to your ‘wins’ is fundamental in my opinion to ‘feeling more resourced’.
If you cannot see, hear or feel any sense of your success this is when you might employ external feedback. In my case I trained/educated my husband, my family, my friends and my clients to pay attention to my wins/successes so that when I overlooked them they could remind me.
Failing that you could employ a coach, mentor or a friend or me.
WARNING: Take care when asking friends and family because sometimes they can’t remember either and that doesn’t mean you are useless it is most likely because of how their memory works and they simply cannot access that information instantly. so again ask them to pay attention and to tell you in the moment and if they also forget to do this be mindful they too may be struggling with staying focused on your request because their own mind is full of self doubt.
Set them up for success and ask them to help going forward. Ask them to notice and tell you when they see you achieving and being successful. And of course you too can be proactive to put your attention on their strengths, wins and successes to.
Failing that you have question 3:
Question 3. How do I need to be to be able to notice what I am achieving and to become solution focused?
Invariably this comes down to a skill or a resource like have more self belief, be more assertive, make a decision, be more organised, trust more or let go of guilt.
It could be that you need more confidence in your listening or your learning or even your memory. Each of you will be bespoke and if you are still struggling please don’t struggle any longer. Get in touch.
Over the years of taking clients through the STAR system to gain and maintain clarity what I have come to realise is that self doubt creeps in more and more when you do not have confidence in your decisions and you do not have a process for recording what works for you.
About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective
Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for her fast speaking and her passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to challenging conversations, lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough. Sheryl use to find it difficult to speak up and have her needs met despite the fact she could and would encourage everyone else to do exactly that. A series of 3 events in her personal life forced her to stop and learn how to take her own advice.
Today, Sheryl loves resourcing you to you to do more of what you love, delegate what you don’t and ditch the critic that says you can’t.
Sheryl openly shares an easy to adopt communication tool kit that will transform the way you think and train others to listen. Sheryl will be your strength and solution detective until you have fully trained your inner critic and those around you, to listen in a way that motivates and inspires you to be the best you can be.
Fancy a virtual coffee and chat, then please feel free to book a complimentary clarity and confidence session or check out the “How to do, delegate and ditch with confidence” free webinar.
Don’t know how call her now….+44(0)1329 286648
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