When you are building relationships and growing a business change is the one thing that is constant and learning to communicate with clarity and confidence when you are frustrated or annoyed is important.

One sure thing that will set you up to fail is starting with the sentence – “Don’t take this personally.” The brain doesn’t hear the don’t.

It hears “take this personally” and if you are going to give feedback then let’s face it – to some extent it is personal. For years I knew I had to be less sensitive to criticism but it is only recently that I have learned to manage my critic and discovered how you to actually receive criticism without taking it personally. So I decided to write a book which will be launched in Dec 2016.

If your intention is to communicate in a way that it is not taken personally then here are some strategies you can follow.

1. Clarity – have absolute clarity of the outcome you do want. If you don’t want them to take it personally then what do you want instead. Maybe you want to express how you feel about something without upsetting them. Maybe you want to tell them they have done something that is wrong or that has not worked for you and you want to find a solution. But your attention really needs to be on what do you want them to do or say as a result of your communication. What do you want to change?
2. Confidence – then consider how do you need to be to communicate with clarity and confidence your message. Often when we have a mixture of emotions our tone, pace and overal attitude can impact how our communications are received. Communicating when you are angry or frustrated invariably results in the other person simply reflecting back the same kind of behaviour or withdrawing in which case nothing is achieved. If you are interested in more information about this you might find this useful; “How to take the drama out of your communication?”
3. Change – think about what support or resources you or they might need for change to happen.

I love the clean feedback models referred to in the book “From Contempt to Curiosity – creating the conditions for groups to collaborate”

This model helps you break down and separate the facts from the emotions.

For example if you feel someone is taking advantage of your good nature. You might say don’t take this personally but I feel you are taking advantage of my good nature.

Where as what is more useful and resourceful and less likely to be taken personally (although not guaranteed) would be;

When I work for you and you don’t pay me or say thank you, I infer that you don’t value what I do. The impact is that I feel that you are taking advantage of my good nature and I resent working and what I would like to have happen is to work with and feel valued.

The Clean Feedback framework used to acquire this were:

What I hear and see is ………..

What I infer from that is ………………….

The impact on me is ……………………….

What I would like to have happen is…………………..

By using this model you can manage your critic and communicate with clarity and confidence the change you want.

If you found this article useful let me know in the comments below. Any questions please feel free to ask and if you have any examples of when this worked that would be great to hear too.

Feel free to share below your thoughts or join us in the Facebook group Manage Your Critic – Clarity confidence and change.

About the Author – Sheryl Andrews – The Strength and Solution Detective

Sheryl Andrews, Founder of Step by Step Listening, is well known for fast speaking and passion to make things happen. But what many of you may not know is that in private behind closed doors she was also no stranger to lapses in self belief and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough.

That was until she learned to manage her critic and communicate with clarity and confidence the change she wanted. Sheryl runs programmes that create space for you to gain clarity of what you want and the confidence to ask for it and all the tools and resources you will need to make it happen. From planning to delegation and everything in between.

If you are struggling to be heard and understood and it is preventing you from doing your best work and living your best life then please do book a 30 minute call today with no obligation and I will happily set you up for success. Or find out more about how to manage your critic in 21 days with our on line library and webinars that explain why the critic occurs and practical ways to manage it.

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