My Heart Is Broken
For those that don’t know yet I was recently told that the bottom of my heart is not working properly; it is not opening fully. Whilst I know the medical profession are talking about the ‘physical’ heart and I am working with them to heal that on a physical level; by resting, changing my food and lifestyle.
I am also being curious about what am I not opening up my heart to right now or what or who am I holding in my heart right now that is causing this heaviness. Or what am I opening my heart to that could damage it; both physically and emotionally. I am really listening to what my body and heart are trying to tell me that I am not hearing or didn’t hear? In this moment I am so grateful for knowing what kind of listening I need and who is best to provide it and to be able to ask for the support I need in this moment.
Already I have cleaned away some painful memories that were causing some emotional buttons to be triggered. I have become aware of some relationships that are not working that I thought I had accepted but I haven’t really. There are 5 people in my life right now that are not happy and I hadn’t been consciously aware how helpless I felt knowing I could help if only they would let me in. They tell me about the pain but when I reach out they are not ready.
My journey so far
It has been quite a journey since the 7th May 2019; from hearing the news to now. I had the expected response when I was told the news; as I became aware how fragile life is and instantly became angry with myself for not taking better care of myself. To be so careless with my life and put myself at risk of leaving this planet too early and neglecting the needs of my children. To leave behind my husband and my clients. A massive dose of FOMO, (A fear of missing out) and a strong sense of this cannot be my time.
This week as I focus on healing my own heart I am more and more aware of how often I say things like; my heart is broken; or I thank you from the bottom of my heart or that breaks my heart.
It has been the things that broke my heart that drive me to do what I do. I remember the pain like it was yesterday; the frustration of trying to hold the whole family together, grow a business and take care of myself but that is nothing compared with the pain I feel when I observe someone in the midst of it all again and I can’t help. And I am learning through this process and this particular part of my journey that it is not my purpose to help everyone I meet but instead it is my purpose to leave a trail so that they know the way out when they are ready. In this moment I can only serve and support those that are ready to learn.
I have to let go of the angst for those that I am not the right person or the right time. It literally is weighing down on my heart and causing me emotional and physical pressure.
Accepting is not easy; but trusting that they are on their own journey with their own time frames and they are just where they need to be is starting to settle into my subconscious. I am learning new ways to let go and accept; one of which is to write my book; that way when they are ready they will have access to my wisdom even if I am not available. (Universe please hear that as retired, fully booked or simply on holiday and not that I have left the planet)
I often see this in my clients; when they want their loved ones to move on; be happy and get better. There is good intention for their loved ones; but mostly it is because they cannot stand the pain it causes them to watch as the growth and change happens.
Funny enough; it doesn’t matter how much pain my clients are in; I am okay once we are working together because I know the pain is temporary and that I can guide them out of the hole they find themselves in. I know that they can and will find peace and joy again.
I have the ladders and the climbing gear and I am not scared for them because the minute they take that first step everything changes. Even if they only have one session they will never see things in the same way again; they will know their is a way out.
I even get heart ache when I watch a movie or listen to someone on the bus. I hate that moment when I hear the breakdown in communication and know with a few carefully crafted questions and some exquisite listening it could be resolved. I am putting my strength and solution detective hat on and training my attention to talk about what I do want and what is working.
The more I listen to what I say and or think; the more I notice that I often get exactly what I ask for. As the saying goes; be careful what you wish for.
I am now spending time listening to myself and the whole of my body but especially my heart to find out what it wants and needs right now.
No surprise I am finding talking difficult and so I am forced to listen more, talk less and writing is helping me stay connected with my self and you.
Over the next few articles I want to share the journey from the fear of asking for help to the interrogating nurse and more.
As always the first step is to manage my critic, listen to that inner voice no matter how angry, negative or sad it might be. Give it time to be heard. To listen and respect that I am feeling however I am feeling. Yes I am or I was scared of dying. As I listened I notice there is something else about fear of hospitals but that doesn’t make sense. Logically I trust them so why is my critic so agitated?
Second step is to get into the feelings and really listen to the emotional buttons being pushed. I know there is a young child inside me that is wounded and scared and it was not until I had a session that I remembered how many times I have been in hospital on my own and not felt the warmth of a soothing and sympathetic voice. It has always been emergencies with screaming, screeching and tears and my system had frozen time. I had not consciously embraced the fact that I was alive and what a great job they had done. Also my mum died in hospital and when I asked the nurse if she was on palliative care she said she wasn’t; and then the next day she died. I felt lied to; that I could not trust the medical professionals that I was going to depend on for advice and support.
Having spent that time listening, I am now feeling more at peace and ready for the next hospital appointment on my favourite day of the year; mid summers day; 21st June 2019.
Third Step – Clarity
What would I like to have happen?
Now it is time to focus on what I want; I want to live. I want a successful business. I want to leave behind the tools for everyone so that when they are ready and the time is right then they can reach out for the help. I want to build a directory of great listeners so that when I am busy they have access to other listeners; so that if I am the not the right person they can find the person that is right for them right now.
If you are going through change and finding it hard to communicate with yourself and others, what you want then please do get in touch. At Step by Step Listening we work one to one and run retreats to give you space and time to hear yourself. We train you to listen to your inner wisdom and how to train others to listen in a way that works for you to manage yourself through change.
Change is rarely easy and we all need support; even if the support is to give you space to support yourself. But few know what they need or how to ask for it. That is where we can help. To check out our events click here.
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Founder of Step by Step Listening, Sheryl Andrews has always been keen to create space where other people felt safe to speak their truth no matter what that was. She is well known for her ability to motivate manage and mentor others through change and loves nothing more than turning overwhelm into a clarity and confidence that change can and is happening.
Sheryl and her team now runs retreats, one to one coaching and online group coaching course that provide you with a space and time to gain clarity, focus and direction whilst unraveling what is really holding you back and plan your next best step with confidence. For regular updates and examples of how listening skills can resource you to manage yourself, time and others through change check out Free Success without stress newsletter
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